PamelaVV

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The fleas are really annoying! Rabbits are in the bedroom next to mine, and even though the hallway is uncarpeted, I've got fleas bothering me constantly. I've slapped myself about ten times this evening in the vain attempt to get fleas on me like you'd slap mosquitoes. Well, I've actually killed one this evening, I think...and I killed one last night. I doubt I'm making much of a difference considering how many there probably are burrowed into the carpet. And to think...I sleep on that carpet. Just thinking about it makes me itch.

I'm really supposed to be working on finite math homework that's due tomorrow morning. I'm losing momentum now that tomorrow is one week from the last day of school. I do really want to be done. I'm starting to get to know people in my classes a tiny bit...but I'm still ready for it to be over. I'm tired of the most boring math in the world, certainly...and I'm also tired of not having quite enough time to do the reading that I want to do (whatever that is). Two weeks after school is over, my mom and I will be leaving for the trip that I've been awaiting all year. Looking forward to that is helping through this last stretch of the school experience.

I'm still behind on e-mail correspondence, but I guess that's life...I need to get a move on with some of the people I'm going to see in HI, though.

I'm still jobless, apparently for the next several weeks. I really don't know what the Lord has in mind, but He convicted me this evening about my lack of faith as He reminded me of all the ways He has already provided so well for me. I think it's hard to go to HI knowing that I don't have money to spend like I thought I would. I don't mean that I was going to buy tons of stuff for myself or anything in the way of keepsakes, but I just wanted to have the ability to PAY for a rental car and to help with grocery bills, etc. I have a hard time understanding why that's not (it seems) going to be possible. I'm going with very little money, so whatever's provided will come from other sources. I guess maybe the Lord wants me to learn to be grateful...it's humbling to depend on others. I guess I've been wanting Him to provide for me in a way that would allow ME to be the one doing the providing...so that instead of really trusting Him, I'd be trusting myself. Hmm. Maybe that is the problem. I don't know. But I trust that He will show me in His time...

And now, since we're supposed to do our work as unto the Lord and do it with all our might (Colossians and Ecclesiastes, I think), I should probably get to work on those math problems (histograms are a pain, I think).

I have a Work-Study interview at the community college's Financial Aid office Wednesday morning at 11:00 CDT. I'm looking forward to finding out whether this is the job the Lord has in mind for me. The pay s $6.50/hour and it would be 15 hours a week...not a whole lot, but enough...and certainly more than I'm getting now.=D

Meanwhile...I am finishing math homework for tomorrow (I took a break because I am frustrated with one of the problems right now) and thinking about reading the first portion of Dante's "Inferno," since the teacher has assigned that for tonight. LOL! I do need to read it, but I don't know how much I'll get read tonight. And my neck and head and back ache...LOL! It's not horrible, just distracting...and probably due to doing homework for so long today. I just can't seem to get my life all straightened out. I think I'll bring my homework out to the living room so I can watch a movie while I'm doing it...maybe I'll be able to concentrate better (yeah, I know that sounds weird...we'll see if it works).

Well, with "classes." Now for finals. I just found out that I don't have to take a final in Western Civ., though, so I am a little relieved over that...although I wonder if I should do the exam anyway. It's optional and it won't improve my grade, so I'm not sure what the point would be except to be more forthright with my teacher than I have been thus far.=\ The problem is that I have other exams to study for, so I'm really tempted just to let that one go.

So I'm relieved about one final. I have one in Communication on Friday, one in English on Monday, and finals in Music and Chemistry on Wednesday. I should be writing a performance review that I have to turn in for English Monday--I guess I could try to turn it in Friday. And then I'll have an in-class essay in English for Monday's final. The teacher got us the computer lab, but I doubt I'll be able to use it because I don't have an account. I'll see what happens. Maybe someone will be kind enough to sign on for me. We shall see, I guess.

I doubt I have to worry about my final in Music, so I'm mainly concerned about Chemistry...I REALLY need to study for that. I guess I should go and do that instead of typing here. Or I could go to bed, which I should do before the cough syrup wears off. I'm tired. I did some journaling while I was at school today, but it would take a while to type up, so I'll wait on it for now.=) Goodnight! We'll see if I really go to bed now...

With lots of homework, too. But I'm reading Randy Alcorn books for now...I'm so tired of all the hopelessness at school that makes me want to cry...with the constant stream of ideas that I know are contrary to God's Word but that I have had little time to measure accurately against it. I'm tired physically, too, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.

Reading stuff by Randy Alcorn really makes me stop and think. For one thing, he says things very well...especially for a Christian writer. And his ideas make sense. And he's talking about issues that interest me greatly...things I intend to make a big part of my life in the hopefully not-too-distant future. But I guess what has really made me stop and think is the stuff he has said about having an eternal perspective of my life here. In the last few weeks, I have come to realize how little I think that my secular education really "counts" for what God would have me do.

In fact, I've been convicted at just about every turn as I write what I know teachers want me to say...even while realizing that I'm selling myself short by not digging deeper. But who wants the deeper? Who wants me to get it down to the issue of truth? All I have to do is consider matters on a superficial level, the level the teachers give to us in class (if they're good teachers, that is)...and I've got what they want, apparently. Maybe more details would be helpful, but the essence of the "opinion" I've expressed is pretty much what they desire. I feel stupid saying the things I've said, though. And it's not that they're wrong in a sense so much as that they fall short.

An example:

As I evaluated the questions my Western Civ. teacher gave us to prepare for the essay part of our first exam, I began to see a recurring theme in my general answers (based on the material presented, that is)...and do you know what that theme was??? Hopelessness! For every comparison of religion, government, and daily life in ancient civilizations, I saw the same thing...the same characteristics, the similar motivations and their outworkings. And that is exactly what I wrote in my essay; I conveyed an idea that the teacher had strongly implied if not explicitly stated. "Good thoughts," by his standards (unless he was being kind, which I'd like to hope)...and he's probably the most thinking teacher out of the several I've had so far. But I didn't say what I really thought, and that's what bothers me...I really think that the issue is not all the characteristics of politics, religion, and daily life (although they matter), but one of whether what each culture believed was true. In my teacher's approach, it's pretty much all false...or greatly stretched, at the very least. Not a very hopeful approach, but perhaps an "objective" one. But at least I could ask the question about truth, right? I didn't, though.

I struggle to discern whether it's enough to write these things down at all or whether I must say them to a teacher. Most of the time, they don't fit the assignment...of course, my idea of fitting an assignment is giving the teachers what they want. And, after all, I'm not really there to share my opinions with the world (though some would say that I'm opinionated). How honest must I be?

I turned in my little analysis of Henrik Ibsen's A Doll's House, but did I ever get down to what I really thought was true of Ibsen's ideas? No, indeed! I was simply analyzing his story. Shouldn't my analysis consider whether what he thought was correct? Yet when there's any potential for disagreement I find it easiest to avoid it so that I don't have to deal with any difficulties.

Randy Alcorn's emphasis on the "Audience of One" made me think, though. Does it really matter what grades my teachers give me? Does it matter what anyone thinks of me? This life isn't going to last forever. I know that it does matter that people see Christ's love through me, but my desire for their acceptance and even agreement is primarily self-centered...I want my arguments to be so strong or so qualified that NOBODY can disagree with them. Maybe that would be great in a court of law, but here in life...things are true or not true regardless of my ability to approve them, regardless of whether I've analyzed them fully. What am I worth if I'm unwilling to say what I believe...which I wouldn't believe if I didn't believe it? (After all, a person can only believe what is convincing to him.) If I can't stand up for what I believe, I'm really not sure that I belong in school. Sure, I face the issue of casting pearls before swine, something I greatly desire to avoid, but...I think I probably suffer more from the folly of concerning myself with what others think of me rather than considering their true heart responses. In reality, all that should matter to me is that I be a vessel used for honor.

Of course, I've had a few doubts lately about how honorable a vessel I really am. Maybe it's just the way the real world is, but I find people not assuming me to be as naive as I assumed they would assume me to be.;-) Sorry about the assumes, but I assume you'll get it. Seriously, I expected my conservative dress to make them think I'm some kind of goody-two-shoes Sunday school girl, but that's not quite the reception I have gotten. I'm not sure whether it's because I don't emanate naivete quite as much as I had anticipated or whether people just aren't familiar with "my kind." I told some people in my class today that I was home schooled and one of them seemed quite surprised (I don't know if they others were or not). To me, it seems pretty straightforward and obvious...shouldn't everyone be able to tell? Apparently not. I also expect them to think me inferior for it. (What IS up with that in my thinking, anyway?) I expect them, at least, to consider me ignorant...on just about everything. But even my English teacher seemed a little surprised when I told her that I hadn't heard even the most common terms for specific literary devices until I took Comp. I last semester. At the very least, I'm not projecting the image of myself that I have...not at all in the same negatives and positives. And I'm really not sure whether that's good or bad. But we shall see.

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing some serious journaling this week if I can force myself to do it. I know it will help to get out pent-up thoughts and emotions, but I'm not sure if I have the energy. I have lots of things I want to ask you all. I can't remember what it is at the moment, though...so I'll have to come back some other time in the not-too-distant future.=) Have a great spring break!

♥Songofjoy02 and ♥School_work

Might conceive a pair of adult kids. Are prone to hold hands on Saturdays. Disappoint their fanbases by always staying together.

Orchestrated by ianiceboy

The irony is that those are both my journals...me with my school work. Hold hands Saturdays, always together? That definitely describes me with my schoolwork. And as for adult kids...well, that's not so funny when I realize how much time I've been spending with people who fit that descriptionl.

Good laugh when I feel like crying...and almost know that I'll really feel like crying after I get my test back...my test that I take tomorrow. I'm torn...on the one hand, I feel like I'm not doing enough because I am not pursuing this far enough; on the other hand, I'm not doing other things that I probably should be doing...because this is in the way. Tomorrow evening will be freedom...at least from that exam. =\

I tried typing up an entry...was it Friday night? Can't remember, but I just haven't had time to do anything...and I've been so tired. I have to outline a piece of music and do some reading for tomorrow. I have other homework that I should do but probably won't have time to do even though I should turn one paper in by Wednesday and the other paper MUST be turned in on that day. Between work, school activities, church stuff, and the miscellaneous stuff with friends that ends up coming up, I feel rather busy. I think I'm going to end up missing a lot of baby and bridal showers for church people because they always schedule things like that at inconvenient times...or maybe it's because all times are inconvenient now. I don't wish to get rid of my busyness because I would be bored, but I guess I do wish to be more organized and time efficient. We shall see if I can increase my skills in those areas during this semester. My goal is to do as little studying as possible for the same grades as I got last semester. And that's not because I don't like studying...I just know that I spent too much time doing it last semester.

I'm back on-line at home! But just a little, I guess. I've been sewing tonight...because I was tired of studying. Work today was a little more intense than usual since we just had our first "pressure order" (how I think of it). We did it, though, and I'm very grateful to the Lord! Still, we'll have to increase our production quite a bit if we're going to do all that we need to do. And I still have to go to school...and study. It's good that I'm in school, though, because I'd just let studying go if I weren't.

Well, I'm tired...so I should go to bed, now that I've been up for almost eighteen hours. I got a one dollar Mexican meal to eat for breakfast...I'll see how it tastes.=) I'm experimenting with preprepared foods...so far, I think they're better than fasting.