I'm Done!

Apr. 28th, 2004 10:29 pm
songofjoy02: (with malachi)
Well, with "classes." Now for finals. I just found out that I don't have to take a final in Western Civ., though, so I am a little relieved over that...although I wonder if I should do the exam anyway. It's optional and it won't improve my grade, so I'm not sure what the point would be except to be more forthright with my teacher than I have been thus far.=\ The problem is that I have other exams to study for, so I'm really tempted just to let that one go.

So I'm relieved about one final. I have one in Communication on Friday, one in English on Monday, and finals in Music and Chemistry on Wednesday. I should be writing a performance review that I have to turn in for English Monday--I guess I could try to turn it in Friday. And then I'll have an in-class essay in English for Monday's final. The teacher got us the computer lab, but I doubt I'll be able to use it because I don't have an account. I'll see what happens. Maybe someone will be kind enough to sign on for me. We shall see, I guess.

I doubt I have to worry about my final in Music, so I'm mainly concerned about Chemistry...I REALLY need to study for that. I guess I should go and do that instead of typing here. Or I could go to bed, which I should do before the cough syrup wears off. I'm tired. I did some journaling while I was at school today, but it would take a while to type up, so I'll wait on it for now.=) Goodnight! We'll see if I really go to bed now...
songofjoy02: (Default)
But I guess I can't help it. I'm SOOOOO tired!!! I nearly fell asleep in Sunday school, which never happens! My family and I need to be somewhere in less than half an hour for a home dedication some friends are having. Then we're off to church for the AWANA awards ceremony. I'm going to see if I can practice the piano in the sanctuary during that time because I need to prepare for the presentation the junior choir is doing tonight--a play along with music. I'm so tired that I'm afraid I'll make mistakes more out of fatigue than lack of practice.=\

And I have a paper to write for my English class tomorrow...actually, this paper is about Henrik Ibsen. It's a "synthesis" on A Doll's House. My thesis will basically be that despite feminists assuming Ibsen was championing them, Ibsen really had something deeper to convey. Actually, I have a different opinion than what I'm going to express in my paper...but it's easier to say what I'm going to say. Anyway, I'm having a tough time finding "primary" sources on-line and the paper is due tomorrow morning. If any of you have any resources/advice, I'm looking for a source that has Ibsen's writing when he said, "What is really needed is a revolution of the human spirit." I'm also looking for a primary source on critics of Ibsen's time...and people who thought that his play was about women's rights.

Actually, the truth is that I bet it was women's rights when he thought it would please the public...and then he changed it when it got banned.=\ That's my real opinion, but what kind of paper would that make? I'd sound like a cynical, second-semester student!;-)

It's about time to go. If all else fails, I'll just rewrite the paper and cite non-primary sources. I don't think I need to worry too much about my grade as long as my material is organized, my teacher can see my thought process, and my sources are sufficient even if they are not the best.
songofjoy02: (Default)
Okay, I lost an entry earlier...but it didn't say much since it was mainly a procrastination entry and anything that matters will become clear in time. The important thing is that I'm finally as done with my papers as I am going to get done for the moment. I have individual review with my ENglish teacher tomorrow morning. I have not studied for chemistry as I intended and a sleep deficit will definitely create a problem for me in that class. I stayed up past three Sunday morning, and now I'm up till almost that time this morning...and I did get up by eight something to shower before I left for church at 9:20. So it's not like I slept in that much, either. However, I do have the comfort of knowing that my sleep loss is entirely because of my lack of discipline. That's not exciting, but it's a 2:30 AM realization that ought to be inspiring. How, I'm not quite sure. I seem to wait till close to deadlines to do anything. When I don't wait until deadlines, I do other things in my lag time, so I suppose that it's all the same in the end, but I'm not quite sure.

Anyway, I'm really tired and I should go to bed. I'm very discouraged that I'm not perfect. LOL! That makes me laugh, but in a disheartened sort of way. Perfection seems to be an obsession of mine...not that I really think it's attainable, but I must have some thought that it is because I just keep trying. Something's wrong with this picture.

BUT!!! Something's changing. As time passes, I'm becoming more and more content with not being brilliant. After reading Randy Alcorn's books, I'm beginning to see that it really doesn't matter how much or little I have of things that are outside my control because what God wants is my heart, my service. And whether I'm smart or stupid I CAN be a servant. I smiled as I realized this recently...because I think I've just been trying to prove to myself that I'm brilliant, but now I'm growing content to discover that I'm not and that it doesn't matter because God has a plan for my life and He gave me what He wants me to have in order to achieve it...including weaknesses. Now this is not all to say that I'm stupid, because I don't consider myself completely ignorant or dim-witted. BUT--I'm not quite as brilliant as I'd like to think and, even though that's not a particularly painful thing to realize, I'm finally seeing how much effort I've devoted just to proving lots of things to myself. I think that's called idolatry because I'm setting myself above God in that sense. If I get things straight, then I'll only worry about what He approves. Like I said, I need to get to bed.=) G'night (or morning)!
songofjoy02: (Default)
With lots of homework, too. But I'm reading Randy Alcorn books for now...I'm so tired of all the hopelessness at school that makes me want to cry...with the constant stream of ideas that I know are contrary to God's Word but that I have had little time to measure accurately against it. I'm tired physically, too, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.

Reading stuff by Randy Alcorn really makes me stop and think. For one thing, he says things very well...especially for a Christian writer. And his ideas make sense. And he's talking about issues that interest me greatly...things I intend to make a big part of my life in the hopefully not-too-distant future. But I guess what has really made me stop and think is the stuff he has said about having an eternal perspective of my life here. In the last few weeks, I have come to realize how little I think that my secular education really "counts" for what God would have me do.

In fact, I've been convicted at just about every turn as I write what I know teachers want me to say...even while realizing that I'm selling myself short by not digging deeper. But who wants the deeper? Who wants me to get it down to the issue of truth? All I have to do is consider matters on a superficial level, the level the teachers give to us in class (if they're good teachers, that is)...and I've got what they want, apparently. Maybe more details would be helpful, but the essence of the "opinion" I've expressed is pretty much what they desire. I feel stupid saying the things I've said, though. And it's not that they're wrong in a sense so much as that they fall short.

An example:

As I evaluated the questions my Western Civ. teacher gave us to prepare for the essay part of our first exam, I began to see a recurring theme in my general answers (based on the material presented, that is)...and do you know what that theme was??? Hopelessness! For every comparison of religion, government, and daily life in ancient civilizations, I saw the same thing...the same characteristics, the similar motivations and their outworkings. And that is exactly what I wrote in my essay; I conveyed an idea that the teacher had strongly implied if not explicitly stated. "Good thoughts," by his standards (unless he was being kind, which I'd like to hope)...and he's probably the most thinking teacher out of the several I've had so far. But I didn't say what I really thought, and that's what bothers me...I really think that the issue is not all the characteristics of politics, religion, and daily life (although they matter), but one of whether what each culture believed was true. In my teacher's approach, it's pretty much all false...or greatly stretched, at the very least. Not a very hopeful approach, but perhaps an "objective" one. But at least I could ask the question about truth, right? I didn't, though.

I struggle to discern whether it's enough to write these things down at all or whether I must say them to a teacher. Most of the time, they don't fit the assignment...of course, my idea of fitting an assignment is giving the teachers what they want. And, after all, I'm not really there to share my opinions with the world (though some would say that I'm opinionated). How honest must I be?

I turned in my little analysis of Henrik Ibsen's A Doll's House, but did I ever get down to what I really thought was true of Ibsen's ideas? No, indeed! I was simply analyzing his story. Shouldn't my analysis consider whether what he thought was correct? Yet when there's any potential for disagreement I find it easiest to avoid it so that I don't have to deal with any difficulties.

Randy Alcorn's emphasis on the "Audience of One" made me think, though. Does it really matter what grades my teachers give me? Does it matter what anyone thinks of me? This life isn't going to last forever. I know that it does matter that people see Christ's love through me, but my desire for their acceptance and even agreement is primarily self-centered...I want my arguments to be so strong or so qualified that NOBODY can disagree with them. Maybe that would be great in a court of law, but here in life...things are true or not true regardless of my ability to approve them, regardless of whether I've analyzed them fully. What am I worth if I'm unwilling to say what I believe...which I wouldn't believe if I didn't believe it? (After all, a person can only believe what is convincing to him.) If I can't stand up for what I believe, I'm really not sure that I belong in school. Sure, I face the issue of casting pearls before swine, something I greatly desire to avoid, but...I think I probably suffer more from the folly of concerning myself with what others think of me rather than considering their true heart responses. In reality, all that should matter to me is that I be a vessel used for honor.

Of course, I've had a few doubts lately about how honorable a vessel I really am. Maybe it's just the way the real world is, but I find people not assuming me to be as naive as I assumed they would assume me to be.;-) Sorry about the assumes, but I assume you'll get it. Seriously, I expected my conservative dress to make them think I'm some kind of goody-two-shoes Sunday school girl, but that's not quite the reception I have gotten. I'm not sure whether it's because I don't emanate naivete quite as much as I had anticipated or whether people just aren't familiar with "my kind." I told some people in my class today that I was home schooled and one of them seemed quite surprised (I don't know if they others were or not). To me, it seems pretty straightforward and obvious...shouldn't everyone be able to tell? Apparently not. I also expect them to think me inferior for it. (What IS up with that in my thinking, anyway?) I expect them, at least, to consider me ignorant...on just about everything. But even my English teacher seemed a little surprised when I told her that I hadn't heard even the most common terms for specific literary devices until I took Comp. I last semester. At the very least, I'm not projecting the image of myself that I have...not at all in the same negatives and positives. And I'm really not sure whether that's good or bad. But we shall see.

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing some serious journaling this week if I can force myself to do it. I know it will help to get out pent-up thoughts and emotions, but I'm not sure if I have the energy. I have lots of things I want to ask you all. I can't remember what it is at the moment, though...so I'll have to come back some other time in the not-too-distant future.=) Have a great spring break!

I Give Up

Mar. 3rd, 2004 01:30 am
songofjoy02: (Default)
I'm sincerely at the point of being ready to give up studying for tomorrow's exam. I have spent more hours than I'd like to think in preparation for the exam...it has taken over my time, my thoughts, and even my body--because my tremors are increasing with my nervousness. And I'm getting more nervous as I study more because I realize just how much information there is for me to know. At first, I thought it would be within the realm of possibility for me to succeed, but now I think I'll be in good shape if I remember even half of the information that we have studied.=\

I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of thinking about how to say something that I don't even care to say. I have my own opinions, my own passions, my own focus...some of it will fit into the essay guidelines, but most of it is just occupying space in my brain. I'm starting to see how a lot of things fit together. But there is no assignment that will allow me to sit down and plot it all out on paper. Instead, I must figure out how to conform my presentation to a teacher's expectations. Not that that's a bad thing, but it definitely lets me know how free I was as a home schooler.

I'm frustrated, nervous, and so tense that I'm almost sick to my stomach. And I know that it's all wrong. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I know that my grades are too important to me. I know that I'm not showing Christ's love the way that I should be. You know what I know that discourages me so much? No matter what I do, I will fail at something. Success means sacrifice...that is, success in one area is requiring sacrifice in another. Or so it seems. The reality is that I'm not focusing on the real definition of success, which, for me, is defined in having God's approval on my thoughts, words, and actions. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart...so why the problem?

The worst part is knowing that my obsession is usually ridiculous. Read more... )

Now. I'm trying to figure out whether I need to write my annotated bibliography for my research paper tonight (for English) or whether I can wait until another day. At 2 AM, I still haven't finished my outlines for my Western Civ. essays...and I do have to do at least one more of them to make sure I'll have something to put down for an answer on the essay part of the test. I don't know the ID dates; I could write them out all night, but doing anything related to Western Civ. is so agitating that I don't think it would be worthwhile to do it right now. I'll be in good shape if I can finish one more outline. Meanwhile, I need to shower and spend some time in the word. Late nights do not agree with me any more than stressful tests.=\

Sorry if my entries are boring or depressing right now...so's my life. May one of the scriptures for which I was named come true even now: "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." I trust that things will look brighter tomorrow. And at least all this "venting" and analyzing here has helped. Now the question is whether I should leave it public and have people who know me feel so uncomfortable that I'm baring my heart to the world or whether I should make it friends-only. I think I'll leave it public, though, because it really defines who and where I am right now. Nothing juicy like crushes on guys or even interesting encounters with people.=)

Hmm...

Feb. 21st, 2004 09:13 pm
songofjoy02: (Default)
I wonder how to get myself out of my procrastination mode here. I have an English paper [rough draft] due Monday that I should try to complete this evening because I will not have time to work on it tomorrow. =\ Why are Sundays nearly always so busy? But maybe that's true of almost every day. I managed, amazingly enough, to avoid going anywhere today. I never dressed to go anywhere, though, and that is probably why.

I actually need to write about six other relatively short papers, but they aren't quite as important as the English paper. If anything, I need to finish putting the when, what, and why on the 33 ID's my Western Civ. teacher has given us. I borrowed three books from the library related to my Western Civ. class. I figured that knowing more would help me understand things better. The only problem is my tendency to fall asleep while I'm reading. I also have two books on Franz Liszt. I completed one, but I still need to read the other...and find at least two more non-internet sources. The on-line sources will be easy to find (I've already visited a couple of Liszt sites), so I'll save those for last.

Thursday, I went to the library and borrowed "Pamela's Prayer," "Gulliver's Travels," "Sense and Sensibility," and a documentary about an autopsy on an Egyptian mummy. I have watched all of those already even though we attended a concert Thursday night and I went to school on Friday afternoon. I think I will do "Sense and Sensibility" for my novel and film analysis in English...that will definitely be less complex than "Gulliver's Travels" (I think), since S&S probably won't require an in-depth study of political science of that time! I liked "Pamela's Prayer." This was the first time I had seen it, and I didn't really know what to expect. And of course my response was to hope that if I marry someday, I'll be able to marry someone like Pamela's dad.;-) Seriously...but it was a little strange to hear them saying my name so much. As for the movie itself, it was, as my brother said, "obviously scripted." The actors were a little mechanical in saying their lines. But it was still sweet.

I've been reading Western Civ. history this afternoon, and I took a little break to read about "Oedipus," which we'll actually be covering in English as well as in Western Civ. That works well for me, since I think it will mean that I'll have a better understanding of both. I started reading "Antigone," but I was too tired to get very far. Now it's time for me to get back to work, I guess. Procrastination really isn't that profitable.

Snow...

Feb. 9th, 2004 10:48 am
songofjoy02: (Default)
It finally came, although not enough to be a big deal. I called the school this morning at about 5:30 and they said they would update by 6 on the status of the classes. I called at about 6:10 and they said everything was normal, so I left early to be sure that I would make it on time to my 7:45 class. When I got here (to school), I found out that classes were cancelled until 10:30 this morning. After I had stayed up until close to 2:30 working on a paper due in my 9:15-10:30 English class...

Oh, well...I've studied music, English, and chemistry in that extra time...with sugar to keep me from feeling completely brain dead after my late night. I think I could use more sleep, though...
songofjoy02: (Default)
Went to see it at the University tonight in order to get one of my concert credits for Music Appreciation. The musicians were good, but the props were horrible and the costumes weren't really costumes. However, I was prepared for that...because I knew that it was a low-budget operation. I'm glad they skimped on the visual stuff instead of on the music! I'm not sure what to say about it on my little report, though. I was distracted from the music by the acting, which was hilarious...and the narration was even more amusing.

I still need to finish a paper for my English class on Monday. I should try to finish it tonight so that I don't have to stay up all night tomorrow night...when I really should be studying for chemistry (because I haven't been studying that at all and it's the hardest for me to comprehend). Tomorrow is going to busy since I'll probably be gone from home almost the entire time between nine in the morning and nine in the evening...I may have some time for homework at church during AWANA, but I would want to use that to improve on my final draft of my English paper. We'll see what really happens. I need to give myself enough time to do all of this stuff. I didn't go to work this morning...but that wasn't really a big help because I slept instead...and I don't think that it was really that helpful since I feel just as tired as usual even though I slept for about twelve hours last night! I'm feeling more and more worn out...I'm very glad that Valentine's Day will soon be here and we'll be over that rush at work. I've never been into Valentine's Day, but I feel like I've done so much preparing for it by making hundreds of baskets that I ought to celebrate at least by wearing some red. Haha. We'll see...

Well, my brother's plans to join the Marine Corps are still looking good. Well, actually, he already joined. He's going to go to his basic and specific training this summer and early fall, I think. By the end of the year, I think he will be stationed at Camp David in Virginia as a part of Presidential Security (his girlfriend said that only six people are accepted into that group each year). I suppose it will be strange to have him physically living somewhere else, but our communication has faded so much of late that I'm sometimes not sure that it will seem so very different.

I've been thinking about dating again...not thinking about doing it, but thinking about the practical ramifications of not doing it!=) I take a brother or two with me wherever I go. LOL! Can't go alone and can't go with a guy who's not related...I don't really want just female company (although there's safety in numbers, I feel safer with males than just females)...so I guess it's a good thing that I have six brothers, even if most of them are too young to go with me right now. I guess it's a good excuse or opportunity to spend time with them, though. Oh, the reason I'm thinking of this more is that I'm required to do things that I wouldn't normally do...like go to concerts, which we've only ever done as a family when the event is not very costly. I don't go see movies because it costs too much to take everyone. But since I have to go to concerts for Music Appreciation, I go.=) And to other things when it's not convenient to take everyone. Actually, it's not even usually appropriate. The world's not a very pure environment.=\
songofjoy02: (Default)
Can you suggest a good web site for me to find out the instrument groups and individual instruments in standard music groups (concert band, string quartet, etc.)? I am supposed to attend eight concerts for Music Appreciation, at least one for Western Civ., a play for English Composition II, and who knows what else. At least two of my teachers are absolutely bent on my gaining something from the class...which is a good situation...actually, make that three. Let me think about that...and just make it all four of the ones I saw today. They are all going to have extra work on their hands to ensure that we are progressing. I think this semester will be more time consuming than my last semester, but I think I will also learn a whole lot more...and probably feel like I deserve whatever grades I get.

I saw lots of people that I met last semester, but not too many friends, and only one person from church (I didn't even see my brother and his girlfriend).

Well, I have procrastinated too long about homework, so I should go...I need to be energetic when I rise tomorrow and go to work to continue the inventory process, which I hope is mostly done!

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