PamelaVV

Okay, I lost an entry earlier...but it didn't say much since it was mainly a procrastination entry and anything that matters will become clear in time. The important thing is that I'm finally as done with my papers as I am going to get done for the moment. I have individual review with my ENglish teacher tomorrow morning. I have not studied for chemistry as I intended and a sleep deficit will definitely create a problem for me in that class. I stayed up past three Sunday morning, and now I'm up till almost that time this morning...and I did get up by eight something to shower before I left for church at 9:20. So it's not like I slept in that much, either. However, I do have the comfort of knowing that my sleep loss is entirely because of my lack of discipline. That's not exciting, but it's a 2:30 AM realization that ought to be inspiring. How, I'm not quite sure. I seem to wait till close to deadlines to do anything. When I don't wait until deadlines, I do other things in my lag time, so I suppose that it's all the same in the end, but I'm not quite sure.

Anyway, I'm really tired and I should go to bed. I'm very discouraged that I'm not perfect. LOL! That makes me laugh, but in a disheartened sort of way. Perfection seems to be an obsession of mine...not that I really think it's attainable, but I must have some thought that it is because I just keep trying. Something's wrong with this picture.

BUT!!! Something's changing. As time passes, I'm becoming more and more content with not being brilliant. After reading Randy Alcorn's books, I'm beginning to see that it really doesn't matter how much or little I have of things that are outside my control because what God wants is my heart, my service. And whether I'm smart or stupid I CAN be a servant. I smiled as I realized this recently...because I think I've just been trying to prove to myself that I'm brilliant, but now I'm growing content to discover that I'm not and that it doesn't matter because God has a plan for my life and He gave me what He wants me to have in order to achieve it...including weaknesses. Now this is not all to say that I'm stupid, because I don't consider myself completely ignorant or dim-witted. BUT--I'm not quite as brilliant as I'd like to think and, even though that's not a particularly painful thing to realize, I'm finally seeing how much effort I've devoted just to proving lots of things to myself. I think that's called idolatry because I'm setting myself above God in that sense. If I get things straight, then I'll only worry about what He approves. Like I said, I need to get to bed.=) G'night (or morning)!

Which is a whole lot of reading and writing. Well, I do want to do it, but I want to sleep first. If I sleep, though, I won't end up getting up in time to do the reading and writing, which would be very sad. So I need to get on the stick with it now so that I don't end up staying up until 3 A.M. like I did Monday morning last week...that was terrible, especially once I got to the end of the day. I'm off from work, but I feel more busy--not in the sense of going so many places, but having so much to do. And I still need to look at my chemistry text. I was quite relieved to discover a section of it that specifically stated that it had not covered the material on the test that I did not understand. I'm wondering if I should show that to my teacher or just live with the grade I got. As far as he is concerned, he did teach the material. The only problem is that I didn't "get" it. He writes out chemical equations so quickly that I have no idea how he decides what the products of the reactants are, and I'm not sure where to find a text that will explain it. Maybe I should check the college bookstore and see if their College Chemistry I text contains the information I need...if it does, then I'm sorry I didn't just sign up for that class. I think I would understand things better if we had more details.=\ All in all, I think I can be very certain that I am not gifted in the area of science.=D

I'm bored and ready to go to bed...even though I know it would be far better for me to study like crazy for tomorrow's chemistry test. I am definitely not good at getting scientific stuff fast...but that's what I get for not studying all along. That's also probably why I haven't done so well on that subject. Hmm.

But anyway...the reason I'm laughing is because I'm so bored that I actually looked to see what might be at a web site called stupidity.com. I mean, I just wondered what someone might put on the web on that subject. And guess what? There's really a web site and it is really devoted to the subject of stupidity! I just started reading the intro. to the first book and it is positively hilarious! I haven't looked carefully to see whether it's supposed to be funny or not, but it cracks me up.

On a more serious note, I went to see the lawyer today...and got a lot more money than I expected. Of course, that wouldn't have to be much, since I didn't expect anything. But it was enough that his third of the money made him very happy.=) And he apparently didn't have too difficult of a time in obtaining it. I'm very grateful that the bills are all paid. But with what I got, which was a little more than a third of the amount, I am going to be able to pay my car insurance for the next six months AND purchase two tickets to Hawaii so that my mom and I can go in August. If anything, this is definitely a clear confirmation that going to Hawaii IS in God's plans for me. I am very amazed and blessed...

Because...my saving for that plane ticket is not going too well right now. In fact, it is not going at all...because my work is basically seasonal, I'm on "vacation." That's very helpful for me in terms of school because of the exams I'm preparing to take (although I'll be going full speed ahead with work AND school at the time of finals)...but it's not helping me save. But anyway, here's this money. Somehow, I never seem to trust that God can provide funds from "other sources." I don't know why. But His provision over the last year or so--not just of things that I need, but things that I want--has been incredible.

Next week, my family is going on an anti-fungal diet. That should be very interesting. It's basically meat and veggies the first week...no grains or potatoes or fruits besides green apples and citrus. No cheese or other dairy besides yogurt. And, of course, no sugar. To be honest, I'm not planning to observe the diet. But maybe I should. I don't know. I don't think I have the problems, but I suppose the diet would at least improve my health. Still, I'm not sure I could live with it...=) I have never gone on a diet before so I have no idea if I'd be able to maintain it.

I'm getting really excited about all the babies that are on the way. I suppose I've probably congratulated the people, but I doubt that I fully expressed how very much I'm looking forward to hearing about the births. There were two newborns at church on Sunday and one of them was just to my right...I was SO distracted. Newborns are so exciting! But, alas, neither of the newborns belong to people I'm really acquainted with...and the expected ones are not in families that I normally interact with, so I'm a little sad. I want to hold a newborn! That's so weird. But anyway. I doubt I will for a long time.=( That's kind of silly for me to say. Oh, well.

Monday, I met with a guy from Western Civilization for a "study group meeting." Two ladies were supposed to be there also, but one was in class and the other had forgotten due to a math test. But I talked to the guy--a Republican and a Christian--about the questions that will be on the test and we eventually talked about what the instructor believes, etc. I said that I was incredulous that the teacher could believe all that he says...but the guys says that he has actually sat down and talked to him about it and he really does believe quite a bit of what he says. I find that so difficult to believe, and yet...it's rather apparent. When someone asked him whether he's an atheist or agnostic, he replied that he is an agnostic. His reason: "The concept that God sits on His throne and judges is too simplistic for me." I suppose one could call his emphasis on science/nature/knowledge agnosticism, but it's really humanism because God's not big enough...right? Sometimes his logic strikes me as faulty, but it's hard for me to see how to combat the reasoning of someone who thinks he is correct...in fact, is firmly convinced of it.

I actually spoke to a friend of mine on this subject...do we HAVE to address all the fallacies that instructors put forward? Although I believe that Christianity is perfectly reasonable, I believe just as strongly that unsaved people canNOT be perfectly reasonable...so that the battle for their hearts is not one that can be won in the intellectual realm. While I believe that we should be ready to give an answer to everyone who asks us why we have hope, I don't believe that we should be smart mouths or cast pearls before swine. If Christianity were merely intellectual, that would work...but it's so much more.

As I looked through the essay questions for the upcoming Western Civ. test, I realized that my thesis for most of them could be, "It's hopeless; the world is imperfect and things will always be imperfect in an imperfect world." And I can support that very well. I can support it based on KNOWLEDGE, FACTS. Knowledge without truth, it seems to me, leads to hopelessness. I think that may have been the essence of Pilate's question to Jesus when he asked what truth was. He missed the Truth that stood before him...perhaps because he had become convinced that there was no such thing? Perhaps because he was cynical, like SO MANY intellectuals?! Solomon was rather cynical, too. Knowledge without truth is empty. So if we have hope...=) We SHOULD show it and people WILL ask...sincerely.

Well, that was a much longer entry than I had planned...this journal is, as many of you have noted, a VERY excellent tool for procrastination. But I think I may regret this tomorrow when I'm taking my chemistry test.=\

It finally came, although not enough to be a big deal. I called the school this morning at about 5:30 and they said they would update by 6 on the status of the classes. I called at about 6:10 and they said everything was normal, so I left early to be sure that I would make it on time to my 7:45 class. When I got here (to school), I found out that classes were cancelled until 10:30 this morning. After I had stayed up until close to 2:30 working on a paper due in my 9:15-10:30 English class...

Oh, well...I've studied music, English, and chemistry in that extra time...with sugar to keep me from feeling completely brain dead after my late night. I think I could use more sleep, though...