I'm Done!

Apr. 28th, 2004 10:29 pm
songofjoy02: (with malachi)
Well, with "classes." Now for finals. I just found out that I don't have to take a final in Western Civ., though, so I am a little relieved over that...although I wonder if I should do the exam anyway. It's optional and it won't improve my grade, so I'm not sure what the point would be except to be more forthright with my teacher than I have been thus far.=\ The problem is that I have other exams to study for, so I'm really tempted just to let that one go.

So I'm relieved about one final. I have one in Communication on Friday, one in English on Monday, and finals in Music and Chemistry on Wednesday. I should be writing a performance review that I have to turn in for English Monday--I guess I could try to turn it in Friday. And then I'll have an in-class essay in English for Monday's final. The teacher got us the computer lab, but I doubt I'll be able to use it because I don't have an account. I'll see what happens. Maybe someone will be kind enough to sign on for me. We shall see, I guess.

I doubt I have to worry about my final in Music, so I'm mainly concerned about Chemistry...I REALLY need to study for that. I guess I should go and do that instead of typing here. Or I could go to bed, which I should do before the cough syrup wears off. I'm tired. I did some journaling while I was at school today, but it would take a while to type up, so I'll wait on it for now.=) Goodnight! We'll see if I really go to bed now...
songofjoy02: (Default)
Okay, I lost an entry earlier...but it didn't say much since it was mainly a procrastination entry and anything that matters will become clear in time. The important thing is that I'm finally as done with my papers as I am going to get done for the moment. I have individual review with my ENglish teacher tomorrow morning. I have not studied for chemistry as I intended and a sleep deficit will definitely create a problem for me in that class. I stayed up past three Sunday morning, and now I'm up till almost that time this morning...and I did get up by eight something to shower before I left for church at 9:20. So it's not like I slept in that much, either. However, I do have the comfort of knowing that my sleep loss is entirely because of my lack of discipline. That's not exciting, but it's a 2:30 AM realization that ought to be inspiring. How, I'm not quite sure. I seem to wait till close to deadlines to do anything. When I don't wait until deadlines, I do other things in my lag time, so I suppose that it's all the same in the end, but I'm not quite sure.

Anyway, I'm really tired and I should go to bed. I'm very discouraged that I'm not perfect. LOL! That makes me laugh, but in a disheartened sort of way. Perfection seems to be an obsession of mine...not that I really think it's attainable, but I must have some thought that it is because I just keep trying. Something's wrong with this picture.

BUT!!! Something's changing. As time passes, I'm becoming more and more content with not being brilliant. After reading Randy Alcorn's books, I'm beginning to see that it really doesn't matter how much or little I have of things that are outside my control because what God wants is my heart, my service. And whether I'm smart or stupid I CAN be a servant. I smiled as I realized this recently...because I think I've just been trying to prove to myself that I'm brilliant, but now I'm growing content to discover that I'm not and that it doesn't matter because God has a plan for my life and He gave me what He wants me to have in order to achieve it...including weaknesses. Now this is not all to say that I'm stupid, because I don't consider myself completely ignorant or dim-witted. BUT--I'm not quite as brilliant as I'd like to think and, even though that's not a particularly painful thing to realize, I'm finally seeing how much effort I've devoted just to proving lots of things to myself. I think that's called idolatry because I'm setting myself above God in that sense. If I get things straight, then I'll only worry about what He approves. Like I said, I need to get to bed.=) G'night (or morning)!

I Give Up

Mar. 3rd, 2004 01:30 am
songofjoy02: (Default)
I'm sincerely at the point of being ready to give up studying for tomorrow's exam. I have spent more hours than I'd like to think in preparation for the exam...it has taken over my time, my thoughts, and even my body--because my tremors are increasing with my nervousness. And I'm getting more nervous as I study more because I realize just how much information there is for me to know. At first, I thought it would be within the realm of possibility for me to succeed, but now I think I'll be in good shape if I remember even half of the information that we have studied.=\

I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of thinking about how to say something that I don't even care to say. I have my own opinions, my own passions, my own focus...some of it will fit into the essay guidelines, but most of it is just occupying space in my brain. I'm starting to see how a lot of things fit together. But there is no assignment that will allow me to sit down and plot it all out on paper. Instead, I must figure out how to conform my presentation to a teacher's expectations. Not that that's a bad thing, but it definitely lets me know how free I was as a home schooler.

I'm frustrated, nervous, and so tense that I'm almost sick to my stomach. And I know that it's all wrong. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I know that my grades are too important to me. I know that I'm not showing Christ's love the way that I should be. You know what I know that discourages me so much? No matter what I do, I will fail at something. Success means sacrifice...that is, success in one area is requiring sacrifice in another. Or so it seems. The reality is that I'm not focusing on the real definition of success, which, for me, is defined in having God's approval on my thoughts, words, and actions. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart...so why the problem?

The worst part is knowing that my obsession is usually ridiculous. Read more... )

Now. I'm trying to figure out whether I need to write my annotated bibliography for my research paper tonight (for English) or whether I can wait until another day. At 2 AM, I still haven't finished my outlines for my Western Civ. essays...and I do have to do at least one more of them to make sure I'll have something to put down for an answer on the essay part of the test. I don't know the ID dates; I could write them out all night, but doing anything related to Western Civ. is so agitating that I don't think it would be worthwhile to do it right now. I'll be in good shape if I can finish one more outline. Meanwhile, I need to shower and spend some time in the word. Late nights do not agree with me any more than stressful tests.=\

Sorry if my entries are boring or depressing right now...so's my life. May one of the scriptures for which I was named come true even now: "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." I trust that things will look brighter tomorrow. And at least all this "venting" and analyzing here has helped. Now the question is whether I should leave it public and have people who know me feel so uncomfortable that I'm baring my heart to the world or whether I should make it friends-only. I think I'll leave it public, though, because it really defines who and where I am right now. Nothing juicy like crushes on guys or even interesting encounters with people.=)
songofjoy02: (Default)
Which is a whole lot of reading and writing. Well, I do want to do it, but I want to sleep first. If I sleep, though, I won't end up getting up in time to do the reading and writing, which would be very sad. So I need to get on the stick with it now so that I don't end up staying up until 3 A.M. like I did Monday morning last week...that was terrible, especially once I got to the end of the day. I'm off from work, but I feel more busy--not in the sense of going so many places, but having so much to do. And I still need to look at my chemistry text. I was quite relieved to discover a section of it that specifically stated that it had not covered the material on the test that I did not understand. I'm wondering if I should show that to my teacher or just live with the grade I got. As far as he is concerned, he did teach the material. The only problem is that I didn't "get" it. He writes out chemical equations so quickly that I have no idea how he decides what the products of the reactants are, and I'm not sure where to find a text that will explain it. Maybe I should check the college bookstore and see if their College Chemistry I text contains the information I need...if it does, then I'm sorry I didn't just sign up for that class. I think I would understand things better if we had more details.=\ All in all, I think I can be very certain that I am not gifted in the area of science.=D
songofjoy02: (Default)

The Seven Intelligence Areas

Linguistic: 6

Logical-Mathematical: 7

Spatial: 0

Bodily-Kinesthetic: 3

Musical: 10

Interpersonal: 4

Intrapersonal: 6

A Short Definition of your Highest Score

Musical - the ability to understand and develop musical technique, to respond emotionally to music and to work together to use music to meet the needs of others, to interpret musical forms and ideas, and to create imaginative and expressive performances and compositions. Possible vocations that use the musical intelligence include technician, music teacher, instrument maker, choral, band, and orchestral performer or conductor, music critic, aficionado, music collector, composer, conductor, and individual or small group performer.


I didn't think I clicked very much about music. Hmm.

I didn't do so well on my chemistry test today. It would be hopeful to say that I might have gotten an A...I know I definitely didn't get 100%. But that's because I didn't understand the material that my teacher feels we should know.=\ Science is just not easy for me to understand. Of course, I do know that studying would help...I need to do that more. And I need to check the texts that we have, although I don't think the high school books we have are really going to help. I need a LOT of help with figuring out how to tell what products will come from reactants. I can balance an entire equation that is given to me, but I have no clue how to figure out what compounds come out of reactions, even if I know the reaction type. I'm still learning what the symbols stand for, and I do not know at all what anything but the most well-known elements (water, peroxide, and oxygen are the main ones I know) looks like in a chemical formula. So I was quite lost on the last part of the test. The book didn't explain how to do these kinds of problems, either, so my studying was ineffective.=\ At least I do have the comfort of knowing that I'm not the only one in the class who didn't know, though.

But instead of sitting here I should be practicing the piano to play for the junior choir at church tonight. Tomorrow, I'm going to hear Aldo Mancinelli, a Steinway artist, at a church about forty minutes from here. I am really looking forward to hearing someone who my teacher seems to think is a master at the piano. After the concert I attended Sunday, I am quite convinced that the piano is my very favorite instrument...much more favorite when someone good (in other words, someone better than me) is playing it.


Feb. 17th, 2004 11:58 pm
songofjoy02: (Default)
I'm bored and ready to go to bed...even though I know it would be far better for me to study like crazy for tomorrow's chemistry test. I am definitely not good at getting scientific stuff fast...but that's what I get for not studying all along. That's also probably why I haven't done so well on that subject. Hmm.

But anyway...the reason I'm laughing is because I'm so bored that I actually looked to see what might be at a web site called stupidity.com. I mean, I just wondered what someone might put on the web on that subject. And guess what? There's really a web site and it is really devoted to the subject of stupidity! I just started reading the intro. to the first book and it is positively hilarious! I haven't looked carefully to see whether it's supposed to be funny or not, but it cracks me up.

On a more serious note, I went to see the lawyer today...and got a lot more money than I expected. Of course, that wouldn't have to be much, since I didn't expect anything. But it was enough that his third of the money made him very happy.=) And he apparently didn't have too difficult of a time in obtaining it. I'm very grateful that the bills are all paid. But with what I got, which was a little more than a third of the amount, I am going to be able to pay my car insurance for the next six months AND purchase two tickets to Hawaii so that my mom and I can go in August. If anything, this is definitely a clear confirmation that going to Hawaii IS in God's plans for me. I am very amazed and blessed...

Because...my saving for that plane ticket is not going too well right now. In fact, it is not going at all...because my work is basically seasonal, I'm on "vacation." That's very helpful for me in terms of school because of the exams I'm preparing to take (although I'll be going full speed ahead with work AND school at the time of finals)...but it's not helping me save. But anyway, here's this money. Somehow, I never seem to trust that God can provide funds from "other sources." I don't know why. But His provision over the last year or so--not just of things that I need, but things that I want--has been incredible.

Next week, my family is going on an anti-fungal diet. That should be very interesting. It's basically meat and veggies the first week...no grains or potatoes or fruits besides green apples and citrus. No cheese or other dairy besides yogurt. And, of course, no sugar. To be honest, I'm not planning to observe the diet. But maybe I should. I don't know. I don't think I have the problems, but I suppose the diet would at least improve my health. Still, I'm not sure I could live with it...=) I have never gone on a diet before so I have no idea if I'd be able to maintain it.

I'm getting really excited about all the babies that are on the way. I suppose I've probably congratulated the people, but I doubt that I fully expressed how very much I'm looking forward to hearing about the births. There were two newborns at church on Sunday and one of them was just to my right...I was SO distracted. Newborns are so exciting! But, alas, neither of the newborns belong to people I'm really acquainted with...and the expected ones are not in families that I normally interact with, so I'm a little sad. I want to hold a newborn! That's so weird. But anyway. I doubt I will for a long time.=( That's kind of silly for me to say. Oh, well.

Monday, I met with a guy from Western Civilization for a "study group meeting." Two ladies were supposed to be there also, but one was in class and the other had forgotten due to a math test. But I talked to the guy--a Republican and a Christian--about the questions that will be on the test and we eventually talked about what the instructor believes, etc. I said that I was incredulous that the teacher could believe all that he says...but the guys says that he has actually sat down and talked to him about it and he really does believe quite a bit of what he says. I find that so difficult to believe, and yet...it's rather apparent. When someone asked him whether he's an atheist or agnostic, he replied that he is an agnostic. His reason: "The concept that God sits on His throne and judges is too simplistic for me." I suppose one could call his emphasis on science/nature/knowledge agnosticism, but it's really humanism because God's not big enough...right? Sometimes his logic strikes me as faulty, but it's hard for me to see how to combat the reasoning of someone who thinks he is correct...in fact, is firmly convinced of it.

I actually spoke to a friend of mine on this subject...do we HAVE to address all the fallacies that instructors put forward? Although I believe that Christianity is perfectly reasonable, I believe just as strongly that unsaved people canNOT be perfectly reasonable...so that the battle for their hearts is not one that can be won in the intellectual realm. While I believe that we should be ready to give an answer to everyone who asks us why we have hope, I don't believe that we should be smart mouths or cast pearls before swine. If Christianity were merely intellectual, that would work...but it's so much more.

As I looked through the essay questions for the upcoming Western Civ. test, I realized that my thesis for most of them could be, "It's hopeless; the world is imperfect and things will always be imperfect in an imperfect world." And I can support that very well. I can support it based on KNOWLEDGE, FACTS. Knowledge without truth, it seems to me, leads to hopelessness. I think that may have been the essence of Pilate's question to Jesus when he asked what truth was. He missed the Truth that stood before him...perhaps because he had become convinced that there was no such thing? Perhaps because he was cynical, like SO MANY intellectuals?! Solomon was rather cynical, too. Knowledge without truth is empty. So if we have hope...=) We SHOULD show it and people WILL ask...sincerely.

Well, that was a much longer entry than I had planned...this journal is, as many of you have noted, a VERY excellent tool for procrastination. But I think I may regret this tomorrow when I'm taking my chemistry test.=\


Feb. 10th, 2004 06:04 pm
songofjoy02: (Default)
My busyness should end at 1:00 P.M. on Thursday...because that is our cut-off time for getting Valentine's Day stuff to the stores. That means that there will be a lull in the work until things are together for Easter, I guess. I'm kind of excited about the prospect of having more time to study. I find that studying and sleeping are very useful activities for achieving good grades in school.

Anyway, what I need to do right now is study for a Music Appreciation test for tomorrow morning. I'm hoping the insructor will delay it because we missed Monday, but she had originally slated it for Monday, so I don't know if she will want to extend it further. I have a chemistry test one week from tomorrow and a Western Civ. test two weeks from tomorrow. It's nice to have them spaced apart that way. I've already taken my first test in Fundamentals of Communication and my only other class is English (I think our only "exam" will be a self-assessment in-class at the end of the semester), so I will soon be done with the first round of tests.

So...study tonight...school tomorrow during the day...church tomorrow evening...working tomorrow night...work Thursday up to the cut-off. Then my life will be easy.=) The only thing about not working is that I'm going to be saving less for my trip to Hawaii, but I'm hoping to have enough for a ticket soon. Speaking of money, it appears that the lawyer who is handling my accident case will be getting money above medical and legal expenses. I'm hoping that my mom will get most of that money since she was the main one who was inconvenienced, but we shall see...it would be great if she could have it for a ticket to go with me to Hawaii.=)


Feb. 9th, 2004 10:48 am
songofjoy02: (Default)
It finally came, although not enough to be a big deal. I called the school this morning at about 5:30 and they said they would update by 6 on the status of the classes. I called at about 6:10 and they said everything was normal, so I left early to be sure that I would make it on time to my 7:45 class. When I got here (to school), I found out that classes were cancelled until 10:30 this morning. After I had stayed up until close to 2:30 working on a paper due in my 9:15-10:30 English class...

Oh, well...I've studied music, English, and chemistry in that extra time...with sugar to keep me from feeling completely brain dead after my late night. I think I could use more sleep, though...
songofjoy02: (Default)
Seems to be a recurring theme of most of my teachers. I won't say all because I don't think my chemistry teacher is quite as strong on it as my other instructors are...but then my chemistry teacher is significantly older than my other instructors (who are twenties to forties or fifties, while he is probably in his late seventies). My English class is focused on literature that emphasizes the importance of self-expression...my communication class basically emphasizes self-expression. My music class is more about analyzing the expressions of others. And my history class is about how women and poor people were prevented from being all they could have been. Of course, that is kind of the theme of the readings for English, too.

Now, I am all for expressing my opinion...exercising my "Constitutionally-guaranteed freedom of speech" (as my communication book says)...BUT...why this focus? Why is it "me"? Why is everything so self-centered? I almost get the impression that self-expression/making one's voice heard is of greater inherent value than having/forming a correct (but unspoken) opinion about something. People are more preoccupied with thinking freely than thinking truly...and, in ignoring the truly, they miss the freely. Still, all this has started me thinking...

What is the best road to "self-actualization"? In Sunday school this past Sunday, we talked about a specific person (an actress of whom I hadn't ever heard) who is obviously not happy and obviously rudderless. Apparently, she has done quite a bit towards "expressing herself," to getting down to who she really is...or at least making an effort to do so...but it keeps changing. That made me start thinking about my how my history teacher refers to religion as one method that people have used to control others...obviously factual, but interesting to consider in application to Christianity. There are other faiths for which people are willing to live and die, but Christianity is not just a hopeful kind of hope, but a "blessed assurance" kind of hope of which we can be certain...it provides a peace that passes all understanding RIGHT NOW. Or maybe I should say that the Prince of Peace gives us peace that passes all understanding. But in a logical, philosophical sense, if you were to assume that all things were physical, natural...nothing spiritual (although this entire concession would be somewhat of a contradiction), it would seem that people still have some kind of response to the religious...something that gives them motivation to live, and to live in a way that gives them satisfaction...at least to some extent (I do not know how it is for the unsaved). So even if people choose not to recognize that there really is a basis for Christianity, they cannot deny that it does give people some guidance...something that allows for true "self-actualization" (in the paradox of losing one's life to save it, which I'm sure would sound illogical to most people...if not all people, from a finite perspective). Something's there...something's to it. I'm almost scared to read biographies of the "best" poets...those horribly depressed people, many of whom have committed suicide. Is their poetry "self-actualization"?

I'm not expressing my thoughts very well here, but I guess what I'm wanting to say is that the self-centered approach doesn't work...that there's a way that does work...that people will try to ignore the way that does work...that it's all very sad. People shouldn't have to spend their whole lives analyzing themselves...knowledge of the truth would be all they would need (God's Word provides the best basis for finding out our true selves!).

Okay, I'd better stop...this is what I do when I'm tired. I have been thinking about this stuff as I've wrapped coke baskets in cellophane...as I've driven back and forth between activities...as I've done anything that doesn't require much use of my mind. Obviously, something's wrong...and I know Someone who has the answer...but people don't want to hear it. Instead of wanting to hear hope, they want to know how to describe and analyze hopelessness. Instead of wanting to be clean, they want to explore the mud in the pig sty. It reminds me of a man in Pilgrim's Progress who spent his whole life looking in the straw for treasure while someone held a crown that he would have seen if he had only looked up. I am praying that the Lord will show me how to demonstrate His love so that people WILL look up!


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