![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
songofjoy02I'm sincerely at the point of being ready to give up studying for tomorrow's exam. I have spent more hours than I'd like to think in preparation for the exam...it has taken over my time, my thoughts, and even my body--because my tremors are increasing with my nervousness. And I'm getting more nervous as I study more because I realize just how much information there is for me to know. At first, I thought it would be within the realm of possibility for me to succeed, but now I think I'll be in good shape if I remember even half of the information that we have studied.=\
I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of thinking about how to say something that I don't even care to say. I have my own opinions, my own passions, my own focus...some of it will fit into the essay guidelines, but most of it is just occupying space in my brain. I'm starting to see how a lot of things fit together. But there is no assignment that will allow me to sit down and plot it all out on paper. Instead, I must figure out how to conform my presentation to a teacher's expectations. Not that that's a bad thing, but it definitely lets me know how free I was as a home schooler.
I'm frustrated, nervous, and so tense that I'm almost sick to my stomach. And I know that it's all wrong. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I know that my grades are too important to me. I know that I'm not showing Christ's love the way that I should be. You know what I know that discourages me so much? No matter what I do, I will fail at something. Success means sacrifice...that is, success in one area is requiring sacrifice in another. Or so it seems. The reality is that I'm not focusing on the real definition of success, which, for me, is defined in having God's approval on my thoughts, words, and actions. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart...so why the problem?
The worst part is knowing that my obsession is usually ridiculous. Remember my obsession over that chemistry test? If you read my journal, you know what I said. Well, I'm ready to tell you the rest of the story. After being pretty sure I didn't get an A, I went to class with some trepidation. With ninety questions on the test and ten of them being problems that I told the teacher I had no clue about, I figured that I could get 88% IF I managed to get everything else correct, which was not a given. In fact, I have yet to achieve a perfect score on any of my tests in school...and I doubted that I had gotten all of that 88%. Still, I hoped...I figured that I could make up the 2% by paying extra special attention to class work and making perfect grades on that (which I'm pretty sure I haven't, although the teacher has only given us one thing back out of at least a dozen classwork/lab assignments).
The class period following the test was normal. The teacher simply lectured. When he reached the conclusion of the chapter, he said, "I've been grading the tests...and...well...the first one was a 93, and that was great, but the next one I picked up was a 30 or 40." From the rest of what he said, we found out that the 93 was the sole A in the class and that the rest of the scores were in the D/F range. That did NOT encourage me. As you might imagine, I have NO experience with chemistry, I have a VERY HARD time understanding it, and I have to have help from other people in the class just to do the most basic things in lab experiments just because of my inexperience. I'm always one of the last to finish labs or classwork assignments because I'm incredibly dull. After having figured that I had probably gotten a B, I was not thrilled to learn that my failure had been worse than I thought.
One of the girls in the class, a blonde who was also in my biology class last semester, asked who had gotten the 93. The teacher said, "Not you." (Very polite, right?!) I could not bear to know it at that point, so I looked down, not wanting confirmation that my grade had been worse than I had initially feared. I heard no more on the subject...until the next class day, when the same blonde girl had the "privilege" of informing me that I had made the 93. All I could say was that I was sure I hadn't and that I was quite embarrassed. It was hard to explain then, but I had been obsessive enough to tell several people that I knew I had done very badly in chemistry (very badly meaning less than an A, and much less in this case). I have this extreme compulsion to make sure people find out the disappointing truth about me FROM ME, so I "had to" tell them.
As it happens, the teacher let us do extra credit to the tune of 43 EXTRA points for me...meaning that I have 36 in addition to the 100 that I had wanted to make on the test. That should make up for my imperfect classwork, I would think.
But what was so embarrassing to me about it was to realize that I had obsessed over and confessed my failure...and then found out that everything was fine. And now I'm doing the same thing. My sense of reality seems a bit skewed and my priorities are obviously out of focus. I need help! Don't worry; it's not that serious. I mean, it's not serious in the sense that it's physically dangerous. But in a spiritual sense, it's starving me. That is why I say I need help.
What I really wish I had is a Christian friend taking the same classes or at least someone who knows enough to discuss the stuff in my classes with me without my having to tell them everything there is to know on the subject before we can discuss it. Or at least that is what I think would be encouraging.
Now. I'm trying to figure out whether I need to write my annotated bibliography for my research paper tonight (for English) or whether I can wait until another day. At 2 AM, I still haven't finished my outlines for my Western Civ. essays...and I do have to do at least one more of them to make sure I'll have something to put down for an answer on the essay part of the test. I don't know the ID dates; I could write them out all night, but doing anything related to Western Civ. is so agitating that I don't think it would be worthwhile to do it right now. I'll be in good shape if I can finish one more outline. Meanwhile, I need to shower and spend some time in the word. Late nights do not agree with me any more than stressful tests.=\
Sorry if my entries are boring or depressing right now...so's my life. May one of the scriptures for which I was named come true even now: "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." I trust that things will look brighter tomorrow. And at least all this "venting" and analyzing here has helped. Now the question is whether I should leave it public and have people who know me feel so uncomfortable that I'm baring my heart to the world or whether I should make it friends-only. I think I'll leave it public, though, because it really defines who and where I am right now. Nothing juicy like crushes on guys or even interesting encounters with people.=)
I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of thinking about how to say something that I don't even care to say. I have my own opinions, my own passions, my own focus...some of it will fit into the essay guidelines, but most of it is just occupying space in my brain. I'm starting to see how a lot of things fit together. But there is no assignment that will allow me to sit down and plot it all out on paper. Instead, I must figure out how to conform my presentation to a teacher's expectations. Not that that's a bad thing, but it definitely lets me know how free I was as a home schooler.
I'm frustrated, nervous, and so tense that I'm almost sick to my stomach. And I know that it's all wrong. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I know that my grades are too important to me. I know that I'm not showing Christ's love the way that I should be. You know what I know that discourages me so much? No matter what I do, I will fail at something. Success means sacrifice...that is, success in one area is requiring sacrifice in another. Or so it seems. The reality is that I'm not focusing on the real definition of success, which, for me, is defined in having God's approval on my thoughts, words, and actions. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart...so why the problem?
The worst part is knowing that my obsession is usually ridiculous. Remember my obsession over that chemistry test? If you read my journal, you know what I said. Well, I'm ready to tell you the rest of the story. After being pretty sure I didn't get an A, I went to class with some trepidation. With ninety questions on the test and ten of them being problems that I told the teacher I had no clue about, I figured that I could get 88% IF I managed to get everything else correct, which was not a given. In fact, I have yet to achieve a perfect score on any of my tests in school...and I doubted that I had gotten all of that 88%. Still, I hoped...I figured that I could make up the 2% by paying extra special attention to class work and making perfect grades on that (which I'm pretty sure I haven't, although the teacher has only given us one thing back out of at least a dozen classwork/lab assignments).
The class period following the test was normal. The teacher simply lectured. When he reached the conclusion of the chapter, he said, "I've been grading the tests...and...well...the first one was a 93, and that was great, but the next one I picked up was a 30 or 40." From the rest of what he said, we found out that the 93 was the sole A in the class and that the rest of the scores were in the D/F range. That did NOT encourage me. As you might imagine, I have NO experience with chemistry, I have a VERY HARD time understanding it, and I have to have help from other people in the class just to do the most basic things in lab experiments just because of my inexperience. I'm always one of the last to finish labs or classwork assignments because I'm incredibly dull. After having figured that I had probably gotten a B, I was not thrilled to learn that my failure had been worse than I thought.
One of the girls in the class, a blonde who was also in my biology class last semester, asked who had gotten the 93. The teacher said, "Not you." (Very polite, right?!) I could not bear to know it at that point, so I looked down, not wanting confirmation that my grade had been worse than I had initially feared. I heard no more on the subject...until the next class day, when the same blonde girl had the "privilege" of informing me that I had made the 93. All I could say was that I was sure I hadn't and that I was quite embarrassed. It was hard to explain then, but I had been obsessive enough to tell several people that I knew I had done very badly in chemistry (very badly meaning less than an A, and much less in this case). I have this extreme compulsion to make sure people find out the disappointing truth about me FROM ME, so I "had to" tell them.
As it happens, the teacher let us do extra credit to the tune of 43 EXTRA points for me...meaning that I have 36 in addition to the 100 that I had wanted to make on the test. That should make up for my imperfect classwork, I would think.
But what was so embarrassing to me about it was to realize that I had obsessed over and confessed my failure...and then found out that everything was fine. And now I'm doing the same thing. My sense of reality seems a bit skewed and my priorities are obviously out of focus. I need help! Don't worry; it's not that serious. I mean, it's not serious in the sense that it's physically dangerous. But in a spiritual sense, it's starving me. That is why I say I need help.
What I really wish I had is a Christian friend taking the same classes or at least someone who knows enough to discuss the stuff in my classes with me without my having to tell them everything there is to know on the subject before we can discuss it. Or at least that is what I think would be encouraging.
Now. I'm trying to figure out whether I need to write my annotated bibliography for my research paper tonight (for English) or whether I can wait until another day. At 2 AM, I still haven't finished my outlines for my Western Civ. essays...and I do have to do at least one more of them to make sure I'll have something to put down for an answer on the essay part of the test. I don't know the ID dates; I could write them out all night, but doing anything related to Western Civ. is so agitating that I don't think it would be worthwhile to do it right now. I'll be in good shape if I can finish one more outline. Meanwhile, I need to shower and spend some time in the word. Late nights do not agree with me any more than stressful tests.=\
Sorry if my entries are boring or depressing right now...so's my life. May one of the scriptures for which I was named come true even now: "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." I trust that things will look brighter tomorrow. And at least all this "venting" and analyzing here has helped. Now the question is whether I should leave it public and have people who know me feel so uncomfortable that I'm baring my heart to the world or whether I should make it friends-only. I think I'll leave it public, though, because it really defines who and where I am right now. Nothing juicy like crushes on guys or even interesting encounters with people.=)
