I'm back!

Sep. 1st, 2004 03:06 pm
songofjoy02: (Default)
Back to the world of air conditioning, where the people can wear shoes and socks all day long without anyone commenting on it. LOL! I'm back to the world of work, school, and home responsibilities. I'm glad to be back, but I'm also glad I went...I got to see a really cool wedding, meet some really cool people, and come to some really cool resolutions. I think I'm going to start a proactive method of limiting my LJ time (by scheduling more interaction with local people...if their schedules allow for it). At the same time, I'm going to have to look for edifying activities, so that could be a little difficult, but we shall see.

The wedding was fantastic. After my dad picks up a new USB card this afternoon, I should be able to download and upload pictures for everyone to see...out of the hundreds or so that my mom and I took. I tried to keep a daily journal while we were gone, but I might end up just going by pictures or saying very little since tomorrow is when I get back to work. Tonight is Children's Choir, where I will be playing music I have only seen once before. The place we stayed in Hawaii did not have a piano...I nearly went crazy. They did have several guitars, but I didn't borrow any of them because I'm really not that great on the guitar...and I don't love it the same way. Anyway, it is time for me to practice music tonight, but I did want to make the announcement that I'm back. I hope you all have stayed well. If any of you (besides Ruth) have announced pregnancies, engagements, or weddings in the past week and I don't comment on it, please let me know what's happening. Thanks!
songofjoy02: (Default)
And I didn't realize it until 7:30, halfway through the hour-long prayer meeting. I was mortified to realize that I had forgotten it. I was so nervous about remembering stuff today that I managed to forget something that is routine; of course, it's not like I was "committed" to being there in the sense that people were relying on it (they weren't), but I go to church every Wednesday night...and now, two weeks from this evening, I'll miss church again because my mom and I will just be arriving in Hawaii.=) If you can't tell, I'm getting quite excited.:-)

Tomorrow, I'm going to get my hair "fixed." Since the lady who cut my hair didn't get it straight, she's going to give it another shot (LOL! My way of putting it, I assure you! I think she probably has a little more confidence than that)...actually, she got my mom's uneven (longer on the same side), too, so we'll both be going. I'm glad my finals are over because I could hardly sit still today, and I don't think I could endure a haircut if I were still in the middle of preparing for finals.

So, anyway...I'm busy making up for my lack of posts. And I'm procrastinating about getting to bed, which is ridiculous.=\ I'm very tired, so that's where I am headed now.
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For now, at least...out of seven applicants, they could only hire two for a total of thirty hours. I don't know if it was the interview or the knowledge that I will be gone those last two weeks in August, but I sure hope it was the latter! LOL! =) And I'm content to see that God must have something else in mind, no matter what that may be. The lady who interviewed me did forward my name to other work-study supervisors, though...so we'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to finding out!

This morning, I went to school as usual...and then came home and ate pancakes. After staying up really late last night watching a movie (because I was so ahead on my homework), I was really tired, so I ended up sleeping instead of continuing my journal entry on the reading for my afternoon class. I had spent half of the required time (but covered at least twice as much space as the teacher required) when I just couldn't stay awake any longer. I ended up sleeping and not waking until I had to leave. In my half-asleep state, I neglected to change the books in my bag, so I drove to school with my math stuff. LOL! By the time I realized it, I was too late to turn back...so I went into class with notebook paper and pens. I'm so glad I didn't absolutely HAVE to have my book today. And it was funny because I was just thinking yesterday how impossible it would be for me to forget to bring my book...but then I realized it could end up happening just because I thought it was impossible. Oh, well...nothing's hurt, as far as I know.

Thanks to all of you who provided the game recommendations. I will be looking into them soon. They all sound like great fun. You know, I think I played Boggle with my brothers last night, too...I must've really been on top of things! I need to practice other games, too, and see if we can figure out something for the whole family that would also work with a larger group.

I guess I'll go for now and find something to eat. I need to exercise because I'm getting a little...um...over the weight that I know I should be, and I'm not sure I could cut back on my food intake. Plus, I need the strength that comes from exercise...vitality to go about my tasks energetically and without PAIN! That would be very nice...
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Although I shouldn't be. I've got about six to seven hours of reading to do for my literature class this coming week...and at least that amount of math. Plus, I have to do a bunch of writing...but I think I should probably wait on the writing until I'm supposed to do it.=)

So my next class is in an hour and I've got time to kill because the classroom is just about three miles from here and there's no place to sit around over there without someone striking up a conversation--it's just two classrooms, two single-toilet restrooms, a lobby with a receptionist, and a back office for the two employees who stay at the building.

Anyway, that's why I've done these quizzes that are going around. Read more... )

I spent way too long doing math last night...stayed up till two and got up at about seven, and then headed over to the "school" (or its little building here in S'dale). Well, I hadn't completed my homework, and I hurried to try to finish it when I got there. But then the teacher informed us that we didn't have to turn it in until Tuesday, "Sorry I didn't make that clearer." Goodness! The work we had to do yesterday was not at all difficult, but it took a REALLY LONG TIME! Tedious math is really quite annoying.

And on that note...I'm off to get another Krispy Kreme doughnut because I'm hungry.
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With lots of homework, too. But I'm reading Randy Alcorn books for now...I'm so tired of all the hopelessness at school that makes me want to cry...with the constant stream of ideas that I know are contrary to God's Word but that I have had little time to measure accurately against it. I'm tired physically, too, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.

Reading stuff by Randy Alcorn really makes me stop and think. For one thing, he says things very well...especially for a Christian writer. And his ideas make sense. And he's talking about issues that interest me greatly...things I intend to make a big part of my life in the hopefully not-too-distant future. But I guess what has really made me stop and think is the stuff he has said about having an eternal perspective of my life here. In the last few weeks, I have come to realize how little I think that my secular education really "counts" for what God would have me do.

In fact, I've been convicted at just about every turn as I write what I know teachers want me to say...even while realizing that I'm selling myself short by not digging deeper. But who wants the deeper? Who wants me to get it down to the issue of truth? All I have to do is consider matters on a superficial level, the level the teachers give to us in class (if they're good teachers, that is)...and I've got what they want, apparently. Maybe more details would be helpful, but the essence of the "opinion" I've expressed is pretty much what they desire. I feel stupid saying the things I've said, though. And it's not that they're wrong in a sense so much as that they fall short.

An example:

As I evaluated the questions my Western Civ. teacher gave us to prepare for the essay part of our first exam, I began to see a recurring theme in my general answers (based on the material presented, that is)...and do you know what that theme was??? Hopelessness! For every comparison of religion, government, and daily life in ancient civilizations, I saw the same thing...the same characteristics, the similar motivations and their outworkings. And that is exactly what I wrote in my essay; I conveyed an idea that the teacher had strongly implied if not explicitly stated. "Good thoughts," by his standards (unless he was being kind, which I'd like to hope)...and he's probably the most thinking teacher out of the several I've had so far. But I didn't say what I really thought, and that's what bothers me...I really think that the issue is not all the characteristics of politics, religion, and daily life (although they matter), but one of whether what each culture believed was true. In my teacher's approach, it's pretty much all false...or greatly stretched, at the very least. Not a very hopeful approach, but perhaps an "objective" one. But at least I could ask the question about truth, right? I didn't, though.

I struggle to discern whether it's enough to write these things down at all or whether I must say them to a teacher. Most of the time, they don't fit the assignment...of course, my idea of fitting an assignment is giving the teachers what they want. And, after all, I'm not really there to share my opinions with the world (though some would say that I'm opinionated). How honest must I be?

I turned in my little analysis of Henrik Ibsen's A Doll's House, but did I ever get down to what I really thought was true of Ibsen's ideas? No, indeed! I was simply analyzing his story. Shouldn't my analysis consider whether what he thought was correct? Yet when there's any potential for disagreement I find it easiest to avoid it so that I don't have to deal with any difficulties.

Randy Alcorn's emphasis on the "Audience of One" made me think, though. Does it really matter what grades my teachers give me? Does it matter what anyone thinks of me? This life isn't going to last forever. I know that it does matter that people see Christ's love through me, but my desire for their acceptance and even agreement is primarily self-centered...I want my arguments to be so strong or so qualified that NOBODY can disagree with them. Maybe that would be great in a court of law, but here in life...things are true or not true regardless of my ability to approve them, regardless of whether I've analyzed them fully. What am I worth if I'm unwilling to say what I believe...which I wouldn't believe if I didn't believe it? (After all, a person can only believe what is convincing to him.) If I can't stand up for what I believe, I'm really not sure that I belong in school. Sure, I face the issue of casting pearls before swine, something I greatly desire to avoid, but...I think I probably suffer more from the folly of concerning myself with what others think of me rather than considering their true heart responses. In reality, all that should matter to me is that I be a vessel used for honor.

Of course, I've had a few doubts lately about how honorable a vessel I really am. Maybe it's just the way the real world is, but I find people not assuming me to be as naive as I assumed they would assume me to be.;-) Sorry about the assumes, but I assume you'll get it. Seriously, I expected my conservative dress to make them think I'm some kind of goody-two-shoes Sunday school girl, but that's not quite the reception I have gotten. I'm not sure whether it's because I don't emanate naivete quite as much as I had anticipated or whether people just aren't familiar with "my kind." I told some people in my class today that I was home schooled and one of them seemed quite surprised (I don't know if they others were or not). To me, it seems pretty straightforward and obvious...shouldn't everyone be able to tell? Apparently not. I also expect them to think me inferior for it. (What IS up with that in my thinking, anyway?) I expect them, at least, to consider me ignorant...on just about everything. But even my English teacher seemed a little surprised when I told her that I hadn't heard even the most common terms for specific literary devices until I took Comp. I last semester. At the very least, I'm not projecting the image of myself that I have...not at all in the same negatives and positives. And I'm really not sure whether that's good or bad. But we shall see.

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing some serious journaling this week if I can force myself to do it. I know it will help to get out pent-up thoughts and emotions, but I'm not sure if I have the energy. I have lots of things I want to ask you all. I can't remember what it is at the moment, though...so I'll have to come back some other time in the not-too-distant future.=) Have a great spring break!


Feb. 9th, 2004 10:48 am
songofjoy02: (Default)
It finally came, although not enough to be a big deal. I called the school this morning at about 5:30 and they said they would update by 6 on the status of the classes. I called at about 6:10 and they said everything was normal, so I left early to be sure that I would make it on time to my 7:45 class. When I got here (to school), I found out that classes were cancelled until 10:30 this morning. After I had stayed up until close to 2:30 working on a paper due in my 9:15-10:30 English class...

Oh, well...I've studied music, English, and chemistry in that extra time...with sugar to keep me from feeling completely brain dead after my late night. I think I could use more sleep, though...
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I should be gone already, or so my body tells me. I guess I have extra time to do homework...after I finish getting ready to appear in public. I should try to eat something else...I know one slice of toast isn't going to keep me full or energetic for very long.

I am having a little difficulty forcing myself to study. I know I need to do it, but I'm usually so tired that I just wait, hoping that I'll have more energy "later" (whenever that is). I guess, though, that I just have to do it--that's the only way. And if I start now, then maybe I'll be able to do it for another several years. I really could use more deadlines at school. LOL!
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=D Suddenly, school seems so boring. I think I'm really starting to see where my character flaws are...I guess I thought that school would keep my mind busy, but now that is not true. It lasted several weeks, but after seeing how my instructors test, I don't have to focus on school as intensely (plus, now that I'm actually into the material in each class, it takes a lot less effort to understand it).

I feel the same boredom now that I did before school started. My time is pretty fully occupied, I think. In fact, the guy I've mentioned who's in my English class seemed rather amazed that I'm taking 17 hours and working. The scary thing is that I'm considering asking permission to do 19 hours next semester...just to squeeze in one extra class--it's only 1 hour over the maximum, and I think my grades (if they stay high) should be helpful in getting permission to do that. On the other hand, the classes could end up requiring a lot of homework time...which I may or may not hove. There are so many unknowns. I need to just get up the courage to ask the Life Development Center people about it. Every time I walk past it, though, I get nervous...I'm not quite sure why. I guess it's just that I'm not really sure what to do. I want to ask them when I can register for spring classes. I want to find out if I need to sit down and talk to someone again (I think that is required). I need to ask someone a lot of questions about how I should plan to complete all the requirements in the next few semesters...I won't finish in less than two years (no matter how hard I try, it's just going to take that long). I guess I'm afraid that people won't be able to answer my questions or that they'll put them off as unimportant...or that I won't ask the right questions. It's really stupid of me!=)

Hey, did I tell you all that my dad got me a cell phone? It's basically for emergencies, but now we have about five or six thousand night/weekend minutes on our two cell phones (it's a family plan or something). I don't really know who to call, though. One girl I'd like to talk to is in Hungary, and that is too far away. The other one is in school and I'd hate to bother her when she should probably be studying. And I should really be studying. I'm not really understanding the lab I'm going to do in Biology tomorrow, so I need to work on that. I like to understand things.=)

I've still been replaying the Sunday scenario in my mind, and the further I get from it the more ludicrous it seems...disgusting, too. The incident itself didn't frighten me at the time, but it has made me fear other things that I fear are beyond my control. As I thought about this today at work, the Lord got my attention...instead of worrying, I should be turning it over to Him. He can take care of it...even my paranoia.=) But as I have prayed, I keep asking myself, "Is what I'm doing REALLY what I'm supposed to be doing?" My strongest desire right now has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm doing right now. My life now is too easy.=\


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