Controversial (Maybe?)

Part I

From my spiral-bound journal on 12/09/2004 at 10:12 P.M.

How healthy is introspection? Life, combined with taking psychology and sociology, has caused me to realize that I am a supporter more than a leader and to ponder whether that is due to cultural and societal influences, innate characteristics that are God-given, changes brought about by the Holy Spirit as I read God's Word, or something else. Assertiveness seems to be prized in women now. At least in a secular environment, women are expected to be able to lead. My boss at J.P. is a woman (and she is being replaced by two women). The president of the community college is a woman. Of course, we also elect women to political offices, although not yet to the presidency of the United States of America.

According to my sociology book, patriarchy has been the dominating hierarchy throughout history. Dr. Christopher J. Huggard thinks that this hierarchy came about due to greater strength on the part of males, allowing men (in general) to dominate. In Scripture, men usually led--at least technically. In some (if not most) Biblical cultures, women were not highly valued. But when Jesus came and when Paul taught, I think they actually expressed ideas that were counter to the norms of their day (Peter, too, talking about husbands and wives being "heirs together of the grace of life"). While they commended following the God-given ORDER of things (women subordinate to men), this was no license to men to abuse women! They talked about love...a man loving his wife and cherishing her like he cherished his own body.

But there's still an order to observe. I know that my desire is to be under a man--a husband, preferably...I want to serve the Lord in the process of striving to make my husband successful in serving the Lord. I don't think self-actualization in the way most people try to define it is ever going to happen because all success is really dependent on how we impact other people, so a woman who has a million dollars but has not positively influenced people's lives may be far less satisfied than a poor "housewife" who has reared several godly children who are going on to impact the world.

Then, for me, there's also the issue of having more influence in a supporting role. Working at J.P., I can see now that I really am not cut out to be a leader. This is a strange thing to finally understand, because it totally changes how I will be able to approach ministering to unwed mothers. I may have a sort of general vision, but I would probably need a leader in order to carry it out. That, of course, does not automatically mean that I need a husband (although I'd very much like one...who will be understanding of my deficiencies), since I could work under my parents, another couple, a single man, or a single woman (by single I do not necessarily mean unmarried). Any one of those things is possible. And then there's always the chance that God would supernaturally grant me the ability to take a leadership role...so none of my concerns may be as relevant as I've thought.

I really don't know what to think. I know many conservative women think that they are at least emotionally, if not mentally, less able to deal with certain things...and it's hard for me to imagine just accepting that. They make Dr. Huggard look understanding for saying that he has no problem with women being pastors or priests. Such women make me look like a feminist! ANd maybe I am. I just don't know. I think our society's individualistic emphasis is completely wrong-headed. The selfishness that educators assume motivates students is almost horrifying. People talk about getting degrees to guarantee higher salaries. Maybe the reason I don't get it is that I'm just an idealist with pretty much the goal of preparing to serve the Lord as effectively as I can with the gifts that He has given me. I don't want college debt because I'm not planning on a career that would pay it off quickly (besides that I don't want to be in debt at all).

So that all makes me different...and yet I'm still not with the girls who feel that going to college is wrong, so sometimes I feel rather alone there, too.

Part II

(From today)

The sun came out for a little while on a day that was mostly overcast. Several golden shovels were lined up in a row just outside a tent that had been erected for the occasion. The president, the board of trustees, foundation members, and a student representative were gathered with the media and an audience (mostly college employees) were gathered to break ground for the new student center that the community college is preparing to build. I watched as the college president, a woman, explained the specific goals for this building as well as the steps she had taken in the process of improving the college and particularly in making this building a reality.

Her words were mostly trite (as such speeches tend to be), a reiteration of things I had heard her say previously. Yet she was inspiring in a way. The chair of the board of trustees, also a woman, had only commendation for the college president. The foundation's representative, whose speech was brief, was just as kind. The student representative gave a student's perspective on how well the college president's efforts were being received. I stood there trying to pay attention to all the speeches, yet asking myself, especially as I watched the president, "Is this where I want to be someday? Do I want to be standing in her place?"

My answer to that question was, "No! This is not what I want to do with my life." Being the president of a community college--or anything, for that matter--is not my goal in life. If that is the end of education, then I'm not interested. However, I do honestly believe that acquiring an education could be helpful to me in other ways. And I do believe that women can serve in other capacities than the ones I would choose. But the truly relevant question for me is whether continuing my education would be appropriate, useful, and honoring to the Lord for me. If becoming the president of a college is my goal, I don't think that I could answer that question affirmatively. If the Lord desires it for other reasons, though, I think it is my responsibility to go on.

As I read other entries in my journal last night, I came across one quote that was a serious reminder of something that I seem to forget most of the time:

I must focus ONLY on obtaining my heavenly Father's approval. I cannot let people's opinions, no matter what they may be, hinder me from reaching towards that goal. And yet...I must care what they think so that I can respond with intelligence and sensitivity in considering their ideas. It's such a hard thing to balance!

That first sentence was truly convicting to me because I so often forget that my need is to seek my heavenly Father's approval. I may sit and wonder whether it would be appropriate to do this or that or whether it would be honoring to the Lord...but to think of it in terms of His approval suddenly moves the focus from man to God. It's not a matter of what this is going to do to God's reputation (after all, He's in charge of that) so much as how my behavior pleases Him, how my heart brings Him joy. If I'm focusing on other people's responses to see whether something is glorifying to the Lord, surely I have shifted my focus from where it belongs. Maybe this makes no sense to you; maybe you don't see where I'm coming from...but it's just something that has been good for me to remember.=)