I Give Up

Mar. 3rd, 2004 01:30 am
songofjoy02: (Default)
I'm sincerely at the point of being ready to give up studying for tomorrow's exam. I have spent more hours than I'd like to think in preparation for the exam...it has taken over my time, my thoughts, and even my body--because my tremors are increasing with my nervousness. And I'm getting more nervous as I study more because I realize just how much information there is for me to know. At first, I thought it would be within the realm of possibility for me to succeed, but now I think I'll be in good shape if I remember even half of the information that we have studied.=\

I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of thinking about how to say something that I don't even care to say. I have my own opinions, my own passions, my own focus...some of it will fit into the essay guidelines, but most of it is just occupying space in my brain. I'm starting to see how a lot of things fit together. But there is no assignment that will allow me to sit down and plot it all out on paper. Instead, I must figure out how to conform my presentation to a teacher's expectations. Not that that's a bad thing, but it definitely lets me know how free I was as a home schooler.

I'm frustrated, nervous, and so tense that I'm almost sick to my stomach. And I know that it's all wrong. I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I know that my grades are too important to me. I know that I'm not showing Christ's love the way that I should be. You know what I know that discourages me so much? No matter what I do, I will fail at something. Success means sacrifice...that is, success in one area is requiring sacrifice in another. Or so it seems. The reality is that I'm not focusing on the real definition of success, which, for me, is defined in having God's approval on my thoughts, words, and actions. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart...so why the problem?

The worst part is knowing that my obsession is usually ridiculous. Read more... )

Now. I'm trying to figure out whether I need to write my annotated bibliography for my research paper tonight (for English) or whether I can wait until another day. At 2 AM, I still haven't finished my outlines for my Western Civ. essays...and I do have to do at least one more of them to make sure I'll have something to put down for an answer on the essay part of the test. I don't know the ID dates; I could write them out all night, but doing anything related to Western Civ. is so agitating that I don't think it would be worthwhile to do it right now. I'll be in good shape if I can finish one more outline. Meanwhile, I need to shower and spend some time in the word. Late nights do not agree with me any more than stressful tests.=\

Sorry if my entries are boring or depressing right now...so's my life. May one of the scriptures for which I was named come true even now: "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." I trust that things will look brighter tomorrow. And at least all this "venting" and analyzing here has helped. Now the question is whether I should leave it public and have people who know me feel so uncomfortable that I'm baring my heart to the world or whether I should make it friends-only. I think I'll leave it public, though, because it really defines who and where I am right now. Nothing juicy like crushes on guys or even interesting encounters with people.=)

My Life

Dec. 6th, 2003 10:00 pm
songofjoy02: (Default)
I'm working on biology lab reports...after sleeping away the afternoon to try to get rid of a sinus headache. It would have been more logical to take ibuprofen, Vitamin C, and an herbal tincture that I know works, but...I didn't. Now that I'm finally getting these lab reports done (due Monday), our printer is not working...so I guess I'll be going to the public library tomorrow afternoon and paying ten cents a page. The ten cents a page is no big deal, but the thought of trying to have everything perfect by then and only getting one chance for everything to be printed perfectly (because I don't usually discover mistakes until a while later, for some reason) is a little overwhelming. I am very excited that I will be DONE with lab reports by Monday, though. LOL! I'm planning to finish my research paper on Monday, too, which shouldn't be difficult since I don't have to go to English class on that day, and I have a three hour break following it. That means that I'll probably be free from about 10:30 to 3:15, and I could even work on it in my ETEC class since I am already done with everything in there except my presentations (web site and powerpoint) on Wednesday and the take-home final that I won't get until Wednesday. So what that really means is that I'll have from about 10:30 to 4:45 to work on my paper. Think that should be enough time?! LOL! My next draft of that paper is due Wednesday, but for peer review, which usually ends up being worthless to me. Hopefully my teacher will get to look at my paper to tell me if I revised it in a way that is going to help it.

Oh, and my teacher reminded me Wednesday that I need to make sure I have an essay picked for the essay contest. Although it would be amusing to submit my anti-flirting paper to an essay contest (and even more amusing if it got published), I don't really think that any of my papers are or will be contest-worthy. I guess I'll just take all of them on Wednesday and tell my teacher to take her pick.;-) Actually, the process of elimination may help me decide. I have one paper that I consider practically perfect, but it is one that would probably be boring to most people, so I am not sure about it...it's also comparitively long (well, not compared to my research paper). I don't know.

I am supposed to sing with the choir tomorrow morning, but I'm afraid I'll be croaking and coughing if I try, so I'll probably try to ask the director if she'll excuse me for tomorrow. I really thought I'd be able to sing by tomorrow, but now I'm pretty sure that it won't sound very good! I'll have to work really hard to be able to sing well enough for practice Wednesday...our Christmas program is Dec. 21st. The children are going to sing with the adults for one song, and the first joint practice was this past Wednesday...it was beautiful. The children's voices blended beautifully with the adult voices, and the children held their parts pretty well.

We are going to celebrate my dad's birthday tomorrow with crock pot BBQ and cheesecake. Sound good?=) My brother's girlfriend's birthday is on Monday, but I guess we're not going to be celebrating with her. I got a few things for her that I hope she'll like. I have really enjoyed getting to know her on our drives home from school. Speaking of drives home, check this out...it's not THE car, but it's very similar. My parents went to a town an hour or two south of here to purchase it today, but they returned without it because the seller did not have the title. I think they said something about getting it Monday. The differences between it and the car and the picture: it's not from Australia, it only has 125,000 miles on it, it only costed $1,800, and I don't know what features it has. However, I am sure that it is an automatic transmission and that it is blue (probably the same shade as in that picture). My parents both said that it runs very nicely and that I should be able to drive it.

Oh, I forgot...did I ever tell you guys what happened with the insurance company? I'm forgetting who I've told what...a sad situation. Okay, this might be repitition, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway. The day after we visited the lawyer, my dad got a call from the insurance company with an offer for the blue book value of the car (which was $1,900). Apparently, they no longer had any questions about liability when the lawyer's office called them to get a mailing address. LOL! I was sorry that I did not have time to do it myself, but I encouraged my parents to ask about reimbursement for loss of use, which the insurance company said they would give us for sixteen days (less than the amount of time), because "it wasn't their fault that it took so long to determine liability." Yeah, right. I didn't know that it was our job to call a lawyer to convince them that it would be most efficient to determine liability NOW. But that's a lesson learned for me. Anyway, the total amount is going to be $2,400. Medical damages will be determined after my treatment is completed.

So I'm hoping to be able to drive myself to work this Tuesday, after not having driven (except one very short, scary drive) for over a month. Want to ride with me? :-)

Man, this is turning into a long entry...and I'm not getting my lab reports done. I can't use this computer to do them, though, and one of my brother's is playing Delta Force on the other computer, so I guess I can keep writing this journal entry until he heads off to bed, which I doubt he's planning to do anytime soon. Since I slept all afternoon, I should be able to stay up as late as necessary to complete my work.

My math test yesterday was a whole lot easier than I expected...I hope my grade reflects that. My teacher said that we could get our grades from her on Tuesday or Thursday, but I will be working on those days, so that will not be practical for me. She said that she would replace our lowest test grade with the percentage of the final (if it's higher), so I'll just study as hard as possible for the final. If I don't take the final, I would already have enough points in the class to get a C, but I guess I'll take it (;-)) since I want an A. I am so glad that I won't have to take any more math. I'm also glad that college algebra does not include (at least in the text we used) trigonometry or geometry.

We have a Christmas tree...about fifty per cent of the ornaments are snow flakes. It's kind of pretty, but the ornamentation is rather sparse, in my opinion. I can't wait until my nose is better and I can smell the tree...it's a real one! I have multi-colored lights up in my room. They're not exactly arranged in a most beautiful way, but they're up where they're most convenient, and my little brother and sister who share a room with me enjoy them. I'm hoping to get my little nativity set set up along with a few other Christmas things soon...maybe tonight or maybe tomorrow afternoon. Oh, but there's AWANA tomorrow afternoon. Hmm. Always stuff to do.

I started my Christmas shopping last night, somewhat unintentionally. I went to WalMart without a list, but with some ideas about what I needed to get. I found a sci-fi book that I think my 14 y.o. brother will really enjoy. In case he chances to read this (which I doubt), I won't say which one, but it looks VERY exciting.

I don't have to go to history until the final, but my teacher in that class will be doing a review Monday night, so I'm planning to go then. My teacher in history has been very good...even though I've had fewer class sessions with him than with any other teacher (maybe half as many), I feel like I have gotten more intellectual stimulation (overall) in his class than in any other. Still, he didn't ask any interesting questions until the last day of lecture. The class is US History to 1877, and the question he asked was whether or not nullification and secession are real. Haha. I thought of Cris when Mr. S said this. Because nullification and secession were only clarified as ideas and never enacted into law, my answer (although I said nothing in class) would be that technically/legally the secession of the south was not "real," but it was real in a practical, literal sense. And since practical and literal win out in actual reality over legal/technical stuff, I would say that the war that transpired should be sufficient evidence that the south's secession was, at least in a sense, real. If what the south had done wasn't "real," then the north would not have been able to react...or so it seems to me.

But back to the point that I was wanting to make...which is that I have had very little intellectual stimulation in any of my classes. That has been incredibly disappointing to me, but I guess I can wait until I get into more advanced classes. What I have been doing is reading other things about the subjects I'm studying so that I won't be totally bored and so that I'll be able to find answers that things that interest me. One of the books I have been reading is by an orthodontist who presents a startling clear case for DEVOLUTION (as opposed to evolution). He has done extensive research, but beginning with Biblical assumptions. Unlike many scientists (particularly paleontologists), he does not find it necessary to explain things away in order to support his assumptions. The book he wrote contains a lot of information on neanderthal bones (especially skulls) that he x-rayed himself. One of the most convincing proofs he presents of devolution, though, is the decline in the age of the onset of puberty...think about what you know about it. While many scientists may tell us that early man matured much more quickly (and apparently with less complexity), the patterns we have documented over the more recent past contradict that idea. I'm not done with the book, but I've gotten pretty far in it, and I'm looking forward to finishing it.

I wonder how much insurance is going to cost on my new car. Hmm. I guess I'll find out soon enough. My parents are thinking of switching from State Farm to USAA because State Farm refused to help us deal with the other insurance company...the reason they refused is that I only had minimum liability and I wasn't at fault. I have a friend who was in an accident fairly recently, and she WAS clearly at fault...she only destroyed her own vehicle. Apparently, her insurance company only wants to give her half the value of her car...even though she has been paying for full coverage. I'm beginning to convert to my brother's way of thinking that auto insurance is a legal scam in which we are required to participate. I honestly don't think that I should need to employ a lawyer just to communicate effectively with them! Maybe in one of my speeches that I get to do in Fundamentals of Communication next year I can go ahead and talk about auto insurance. That should be very interesting. I really should have done my research paper on that, but I didn't and it's too late to change. I'm sure there'll be other papers. And even if there weren't, I could always write anything I want to anytime that I have time.

So there's my long entry to make up for not doing many (if any) entries for so long. I still skim entries, but less often since I have less computer access and less time. I don't know how much time I'll have during the Christmas break, even though there will probably be at least three people being hired in the next few days. LOL! The lady I started with and I will probably be sharing training "privileges." I have GOT to get pictures.

Okay, I really must go...I just sent my brother to bed, so I should do something with the other computer. Goodnight (for now)!
songofjoy02: (Default)
lime green )

And yes we have i-net access at the moment (my brother signed up for AOL, the only the thing that seems to work on our computer right now). And yes I'm up at one in the morning...working on a paper that I signed up to do individual review on tomorrow instead of Monday...um, yeah. I wasn't planning on getting sick when I did that. And I'm still glad I did it. And yes I need to get up in about four hours...but I won't be going to bed for a while. Maybe I'll take a shower before I go to bed so I won't have to get up quite so early. Buying lunch tomorrow is VERY tempting so I won't have to prepare it. If my mom already has a sandwich made, I won't have to prepare it anyway.

I did not get my biology lab reports done for Monday yet, and I'm really annoyed about that. I wanted to do it last night and tonight, but...I'm doing my research paper. And I have a math test on Friday, over material that I'm still not sure I've "got." Actually, part of the problem is not having SOLVSYS on my calculator and part of the problem is that I'm not sure I understand that factorial exclamation point. If I've got it right, then all the sequences on one example problem my teacher gave me are zeros, but I don't have an answer key for them, and I'm not sure how to find out for sure without e-mailing my teacher, and I'm not sure I see a point in that. Oh, well.

I really do need to get back to my research paper. It is thrillingly disorganized. Ha. Not really. Disorganized, yes, but definitely not thrilling...not even inspired. It is extremely mechanical, which is probably why I find it necessary to take a journaling break here.

Anyone else heard from Dea lately? I just got an e-mail from her today, and I was really glad to find out that she's still alive (she did mention some other things). Just wondered who remembered her...especially since I was trying to pass on any "news." Don't worry...I didn't say anything bad about anyone. I actually didn't say much at all.

All right; good night!=)
songofjoy02: (Default)
but I've been buried in things to do. I'm afraid to get my biology test score...but that won't be for a week, so I guess that's all right. And I'll still have another test to make up the average.

I still don't have a car. And I'm still seeing the chiropractor...which has been quite inconvenient. This week, I get to stay at school all day both on Monday and on Wednesday, which will be very nice...especially since our computers at home are not working. I can't get on-line at home at all.

I feel really bad about not really replying to comments, but I just have not had the time or the energy to do much at all. Unfortunately, everything that is happening is overwhelming to me and so much more just because I don't get to do the writing that I usually do--which allows me to analyze, reflect, and move on. Maybe today...but then again, maybe not until after the semester is over.

I hope you all are well! If I don't get on here right after the semester ends, I should be on after Christmas (work will probably keep me occupied very much before Christmas). As overwhelmed as I sometimes feel, I'm happy not to be too bored!=)

Now, I'm headed off to English for an "individual review."=)
songofjoy02: (Default)
All six of my brothers seem to be a bit color blind (green/gray, especially), but neither my parents nor my sister and I are color blind (at least not in the standard sense--I do realize that everyone is technically "color blind"). The doctor who tested my oldest brother yesterday explained that he inherited the color blindness through my DAD and that it skips a generation.

Everything I have read on-line says that color blindness has to do with the X-chromosome, which has the genes for color vision on it. If that's true, then how would ALL six of my brothers have it and my mom not have it? It really wouldn't make any sense that way, but how can it be true that it has to do with the Y-chromosome if the genes for color vision are on the X-chromosome? Also, how would it skip a generation.

I really will post a real entry sometime. Life has been rather busy, and I have been extremely tired, so I really have not had the time to post and read entries as I would like. God bless each of you!
songofjoy02: (Default)
I'm defective. LOL! The bottom of my spine is at a 51* angle where it should be about 28*. My neck is curved very little--in the opposite direction of what it should be. And something about my lower spine isn't aligned properly. I got to see a picture of the hardware in my femur...it's definitely there...and now I understand why it hurts when I bump my hip! There really is a screw/bolt there...and it's big! The accident itself probably caused nothing...really it's probably my jamming on my brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of me, and that only caused inflammation in my back. However, the problems overall are basically just because of the way my body is made. I'm thinking that the way it is might not be quite as abnormal as the chiropractor believes, though. My neck is like my mom's, and the end of my spine is probably not a lot different from that of many women in my dad's family. I haven't had the headaches that the chiropractor said a leaning and wrongly-curved neck like mine might lead to...the only "problem" I have is not being able to rotate my head "normally," and the neck stuff explains why twisting my head to check my blindspot is so difficult for me.

So I guess I'll be seeing the chiropractor regularly for a while. I'm still concerned about the financial aspects of it, but I trust that the Lord will provide in whatever way He sees fit.

A Malaysian guy who visited our church a few weeks ago has been talking to my parents about a multi-level marketing business he is getting involved in...he came to our house this afternoon...my dad likes the idea of pursuing it, but my mom doesn't think it's very practical--especially since the products are high priced and not very useful for her. She said we would need a $1,000/month grocery budget in order to buy our food that way...and what we actually have is closer to half of that (for ten people). I don't like the concept of MLMs at all. My dad has long been interested in a home business, though, so he may continue to pursue this. If it's like other things, it will come to nothing...my dad is not a salesman (not that that's a weakness--he just isn't), so I don't see how this could possibly succeed. I don't know whether I would be good at selling anything, but I do know that I wouldn't even bother trying if I didn't consider a product worth purchasing. I don't even think the baskets I'm helping produce are worth the price we charge for them--at least not from my perspective as a consumer.

I wasn't on much yesterday...due to the chiropractic adjustment I had. Goodness! I ended up going to bed at about three in the morning on Friday because I was studying for an algebra test. I actually showered before I went to bed because I wasn't sure I would wake up in time to do it later...I did get up at six, though. I nearly fell asleep during the review, but the test was fun...I hope I get one hundred percent on it. My teacher said that we could replace one of our three test scores with the final in calculating our final grade...and I'd like to have all the rest of my tests/final be higher than the 99 I got on my first test. LOL! I guess I'll settle for less, though, if I find myself unable to do better. The guy who sits next to me in class said he hopes he did as well as I did on the last test. I guess knowing that someone COULD get a reasonably good grade motivated him to study...he has attended class faithfully and studied. I'm amazed...I'm also glad to know that my teacher's announcement of my grade on the last test did not create resentment (at least not in the people I've spoken to).

My chiropractic appointment was at 12:15. Even though my algebra class (twenty minutes away) usually ends at ten till twelve, I figured everything would work out since we would get out early because of just doing the test. I was able to go home and get a little to eat before going to the chiropractor. He showed me the x-rays and then used an activator on my neck after doing who knows what to my back. After it, and especially this morning, I felt like someone had hammered my neck and back...but without leaving any surface bruising. I went to WalMart not long after the appointment (my boss had okayed me not coming to work) and got a caddy to carry my books on. Better to look like an idiot than to be in [more] pain, I guess. By the time we got home, I was so weak that I HAD to sleep...so I did. I slept from around four until after eight, and I wasn't even sure I could get up then. I ate dinner and folded laundry, and then was so tired that I ended up going back to bed at ten. I got up at 6:30 feeling like I STILL hadn't gotten enough sleep...but feeling a tiny bit stronger. My mom and I hurried to a fabric store where they had things at 40% off from 7-8. I purchased blue and black checked fabric for a dress and a purple print for a skirt (or two). I'm excited about sewing them!

I finished folding laundry when we got home and I cleaned the bathroom later before going to WalMart (yet again) with my mom...this time mostly to buy Halloween candy.=) I have felt much stronger today in spite of the pain, which I think is lessening. Maybe it will be closer to gone tomorrow. I'm hoping we'll be able to get a rental car next week to make life just a little more convenient. Even so, I probably won't be driving for a while.

I guess that's enough of an entry for now...I'm probably being too detailed. I am supposed to write a comparison essay in-class on Monday. I'm kind of looking forward to it...for some reason, I really prefer doing such things in-class. I think it's because I don't have so much time to be a perfectionist about it. I should study science because I'm not totally getting the genetics stuff we are doing. It won't be long before we're into evolution...which very few (if any) in my class beleive. That should be interesting, especially since the teacher announced at the beginning of the semester that there would be no consideration of the concept of "Creativity" in class. Haha. We shall see about that.

Okay, I really do need to end...and I'm very thankful that I haven't had anything to report to "closer friends only" in the last few days or so.=)
songofjoy02: (Default)
I just paid one dollar for a bottle of juice...bad price, and very corn syrupy juice. I have only had half of it, and I'm thinking of pouring out the rest.

My body aches worse today...I guess it's going to keep getting worse. I'm actually to the point of being quite grateful that I'm going to see a chiropractor tomorrow. Supposedly, the car insurance (of the truck driver, I guess) will pay for all of this. I think I'm almost over the shock of what happened (which I think was more emotional because of the ATV accident when I was fifteen), but I'm not sure how I'll feel about it once I'm back on the road myself.

You know, verses in Scripture this morning really stood out to me...but I can't remember them now. That drives me nuts! The only thing that keeps going through my head is what Paul said to Timothy about being a good soldier. I think it's something like, "Thou therefore be a good soldier of Jesus Christ." I think God calls all of us to that...although I'm not entirely sure of what it means. I think a big part of it is prayer...and that has become a bigger part of my life as I wonder how in the world to tell others about Christ's love for them. Here in the Bible belt, everyone is "saved"--or so most of them think. I think at least a third of the people in my Biology class are professing Christians...and definitely non-evolutionists. We "discussed" cloning and DNA testing this morning. My classes are a little amusing in that respect because we don't ever usually know enough about a topic to discuss it very thoroughly. In English, we sort of had a discussion about the impact of violent media on children (although it was supposed to be completely objective in the sense of playing the role of the writers of some articles we had been reading).

These discussions kind of revealed something to me about myself, though...instead of really saying what I thought, I would ask people question...after question...after question. That is how I analyze things, and I guess I just assume that everyone else does the same. The thing is, people think that since I ask questions I must also know the answers. Haha. Not quite. But it was interesting...it is often rather revealing of what people think. In talking about cloning and DNA testing, we found out who in the class supports abortion...which actually ended up telling me more definitely who is "saved" (not by itself, but through other comments). So many Christians! It's very cool.

Well, I must go now...kind of an empty entry here, but that's how my brain feels at the moment.;-)
songofjoy02: (Default)
=D Suddenly, school seems so boring. I think I'm really starting to see where my character flaws are...I guess I thought that school would keep my mind busy, but now that is not true. It lasted several weeks, but after seeing how my instructors test, I don't have to focus on school as intensely (plus, now that I'm actually into the material in each class, it takes a lot less effort to understand it).

I feel the same boredom now that I did before school started. My time is pretty fully occupied, I think. In fact, the guy I've mentioned who's in my English class seemed rather amazed that I'm taking 17 hours and working. The scary thing is that I'm considering asking permission to do 19 hours next semester...just to squeeze in one extra class--it's only 1 hour over the maximum, and I think my grades (if they stay high) should be helpful in getting permission to do that. On the other hand, the classes could end up requiring a lot of homework time...which I may or may not hove. There are so many unknowns. I need to just get up the courage to ask the Life Development Center people about it. Every time I walk past it, though, I get nervous...I'm not quite sure why. I guess it's just that I'm not really sure what to do. I want to ask them when I can register for spring classes. I want to find out if I need to sit down and talk to someone again (I think that is required). I need to ask someone a lot of questions about how I should plan to complete all the requirements in the next few semesters...I won't finish in less than two years (no matter how hard I try, it's just going to take that long). I guess I'm afraid that people won't be able to answer my questions or that they'll put them off as unimportant...or that I won't ask the right questions. It's really stupid of me!=)

Hey, did I tell you all that my dad got me a cell phone? It's basically for emergencies, but now we have about five or six thousand night/weekend minutes on our two cell phones (it's a family plan or something). I don't really know who to call, though. One girl I'd like to talk to is in Hungary, and that is too far away. The other one is in school and I'd hate to bother her when she should probably be studying. And I should really be studying. I'm not really understanding the lab I'm going to do in Biology tomorrow, so I need to work on that. I like to understand things.=)

I've still been replaying the Sunday scenario in my mind, and the further I get from it the more ludicrous it seems...disgusting, too. The incident itself didn't frighten me at the time, but it has made me fear other things that I fear are beyond my control. As I thought about this today at work, the Lord got my attention...instead of worrying, I should be turning it over to Him. He can take care of it...even my paranoia.=) But as I have prayed, I keep asking myself, "Is what I'm doing REALLY what I'm supposed to be doing?" My strongest desire right now has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm doing right now. My life now is too easy.=\
songofjoy02: (Default)
I got grades in both of my classes this morning. I got my biology test back...not perfect--far from it, in fact, but a 97, nonetheless. I got four questions wrong--out of about 45. My score without the bonus question was the same as my "real" score on my history test, interestingly. In a class of 19, 4 people got A's, 7 got B's, and the rest were lower...I don't know who else got A's.

I also got A's on my English papers--both my critique and my explanatory essay (anti-flirting paper). I was relieved about the A's, but thrilled when I discovered that my teacher did not have ANY marks on my papers regarding grammar. To me, that is success...not like an A+, but success nonetheless. And she didn't write anything on my critique paper, except a VERY brief comment at the end, with no suggestions for improving it. She had one comment about improving my anti-flirting paper, but that was it. I think, though, that I had ended up discussing both of the those papers with her somewhat, and that really did help. I got to talk to her about my analysis today, and that also was quite helpful. I feel as if I could just sit and talk with her about writing forever. I'm sorry I won't have her when I leave here.=( But that is looking too far ahead.

Today, I am really bored. My homework is as done as it needs to be for now...further done than it usually is on Monday. I guess it was from having all that time off. Yesterday, I did help get things ready for making supper for church--I helped peel apples and I cut all of them up. Then, I "finished" peeling carrots (I'm a perfectionist in some respects, if any of you haven't gathered that) and cut them up. I took my science book with me to AWANA, and read about genotypes and phenotypes. Remarkably, I actually remember the information quite well from when we studied it in the Wisdom Booklets...amazing how that stuff can come back after so many years. I DON'T remember the spiritual analogies, though. I wish I could think of some, but I can't.

I got to talk to one of the guys in my science class a little this morning...he's the 29 y.o. who's very studious...and he's planning on going on to become a general physician for WalMart.=) If hard work will get him there, he will do it...and I think he is being realistic in his goals. In a way, it doesn't sound very ambitious, but maybe his age and life experiences have helped him figure out what he can really do, and what would be truly useful.

Well, I now know for sure that one of my classmates is not a Christian...and now my prayers for the Lord to prepare the person's heart will be that much more intense as I look for opportunities to share Christ's love with the person. It was actually last night that I was really praying for the Lord to give me boldness in sharing the Gospel. I mean, it's great to study and to focus on the lessons at hand, but if I graduate from college without having told anyone about the most important thing in life, then my success will be a failure of eternal import. When I come down to it, being with people is one of the biggest reasons that I'm coming to a real campus instead of doing things over the internet. I wanted to have the opportunity to develop relationships and witness to people...and here I am. We will see what the Lord does. It is all very exciting, though, as I see already that He is answering my prayer from last night. Sorry I'm not being very specific at the moment! My ETEC class is coming up in minutes, so I guess I should check over my PowerPoint project, which really is "done." I'm tired of it, too.
songofjoy02: (peculiar)
Since my boss is gone for a few days, I am off work until Tuesday. Of course, what that really means is that I'm just not working today all day or tomorrow afternoon. It also means that I have a LOT more time for homework (for which I am very grateful). I am going to take my algebra with me as my family goes to Devil's Den to hike and picnic today. I still need to shower and prepare for that outing.

I am dense when it comes to poetry. I am seriously considering doing an analysis of Shakespeare's "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun..." (which may or may not be a wonderful topic), but the last two lines have confused me so much that I'm thinking of just waiting on the paper until my grandparents come tomorrow evening. Both of them are quite well-educated, and I think they would be able to help me pick a good poem to do. All I need is their educated opinion on interpretation of some very confusing parts. As far as I'm concerned, word meaning and syntax could lend themselves to several meanings. Ah, well...such is life.

I am going to have a substitute teacher in my history class. Did I already mention this? I forget where I've written/said things. Anyway, he's further than my history teacher towards getting his Ph.D., and he's the same guy who was there on the first day of class, whom some of you may recall. He looks at least fifteen years younger than my regular history teacher. The situation will be good, since he'll be testing on the material he presents, and my regular teacher will only test on what HE presents, so I think we'll all be in good shape.

One of my very wise, studious biology classmates has spoken of possibly suggesting that the college have someone audit the teacher in one of his classes sometime. That was something I really hadn't considered, but that would probably be a really good idea. I told my mom that I feel guilty about that test because he told us exactly what to study, and then he made many of the questions very easy. I also didn't feel like I studied adequately...for the class, I mean. For the test...well, that didn't require much study. What I thought was insufficient proved to be more than sufficient. Oh, I don't know.

But I do need to get up here and gather the paper goods for our picnic...and I do need to take a shower. I'm puffy today, probably from sleeping so long in my dusty bedroom and wearing dusty clothes while I slept.=\
songofjoy02: (Default)
LOL! I left the house at 5:30 this morning...with the intention of studying for my science test once I got to school (which I did by 6:00). Well, I did do some studying, but then I ended up sleeping in my car. Oh, well...at least I did get into my classroom at about 7:15 (half an hour before class began), and I got to study with a bunch of other people who straggled in and wanted to know the answers that they couldn't find in the book themselves. My science teacher came and found us all studying together...and he kindly decided to have mercy on us and let us have the test before the lecture. Some of the questions were...STUPID! LOL. One of the things he told us to know was the basic tenet of cell theory. Now, the cell theory states that living things are made up of cells, and that cells only come from preexisting cells (which came from where? But that's not part of the theory). So he had a true/false question, which said that "Living things are made up of cells, and cells develop out of thin air." Several of the questions were that way, and the one extra credit question (worth 5 points in addition to the test's 100 points) was VERY easy...especially because he told us what it was in advance. He told us about everything in advance. Now, I don't think I did perfectly...I really didn't study as much as I had hoped...but the test really was easy. We will see when he grades the tests...

I turned in my anti-flirting paper with great trepidation (okay, not quite) because my English teacher lectured on punctuation before she had us turn in our essays. I'm afraid mine could be full of unnecessary commas, but she has not commented on my commas in any of my work so far, so I'm hoping that it won't be a problem. She also talked about semicolons and colons (I happen to love both) and their correct usages. She said that she didn't really start using semicolons until she was in graduate school...which amazed me. It does explain, though, why I see so many periods in the writing of undergraduates. I absolutely hate a stream of short, choppy sentences, and I'll do anything possible to avoid using periods. Okay, that's not quite true...but I usually have as many independent clauses in one sentence as is reasonably possible. Anyway, I do use semicolons AND colons (even if I don't use them quite as much on LJ), and she has not had a problem with my usage of them. My assignment is bothering me just a bit, though, because we are supposed to analyze poetry. I do not like poetry or any form of abstract art--whether it's in literal pictures or in word pictures. Well, I can't say that I really don't like it because it's more that I don't understand it. Hopefully by the time we complete all our assignments on whichever poem we pick out of the bunch, I'll know something about analyzing poetry.

I spent my entire afternoon working on my ETEC midterm...a take home exam that I didn't do at home because I didn't end up having time to do it (especially while I was preparing for my science test). In class, I worked on my PP presentation, which actually isn't due until November 17th. I hope to have it done at least by next week.

My history teacher was late to class today (remember, now, that he's the guy who very much prefers that people be punctual)...because of a doctor's appt. at 2 this afternoon (class was at 4:45). He's going to have surgery on his eye (I'm not sure if it's the one that has been recovering or the other one) on the twenty-fourth, and he will be out for four weeks...which means that the students will be in an interesting situation. He said he will do what he can to make sure we don't suffer from it...and he also said that was his main concern about this whole thing...much more even than how the surgery and being out would affect him. Anyway, I'm really sorry that he'll be gone for so long...especially since I suspect that any substitute we might get would be terrible in comparison. Oh, that reminds me of the other thing I wanted to say...I got my grade back on my history test. Out of five questions that I was unsure about, I got four wrong. This was a 50-question test. For three of the questions that I got wrong, the teacher decided that he had either not been clear enough in the lecture or he had presented the questions unclearly...so he restored credit for all three of them (something he said he will not do again) AND I had the credit for the 2-point bonus question (each of the test questions were worthy two points). What this means is that I got 92% on the test, but that my grade is 100%. I feel like I should do the extra credit work he offered to make it more fair somehow, but my mom reminded me that I do have other things to do. So I am posting an LJ entry instead.;-) I'll do the extra credit thing on the next test, since I doubt that I'll get 100%, so a 2-point project would make it worthwhile if I got anything short of 100. =)

Well, we shall see if I do any more such long LJ entries for a while. I love telling everyone about my day (boring as it really was), but living my days is requiring a lot more time than it previously took. LOL! I'm afraid my grades are not very good incentive for me to study more, but I still feel that I should do it...so...adios!
songofjoy02: (Default)
In the morning, no less. And I'm not ready. So I need to study. And I have practically no time (even less than I'm taking) to be on LJ.

Oh, my anti-flirting paper...

Cut because I don't really care for everyone to read it )
Boy, my paragraphs were longer than I realized! I just thought that it was the double spacing that my English teacher likes. Hmm.
songofjoy02: (Default)
Haha, not really. I never got on-line yesterday, though. I stayed up until 2:30 am Friday morning, studying for my algebra class. I got up at 6 am to shower and prepare to leave...at 7 am. Thankfully, the concepts introduced were not all that difficult. I went from my class to work, then went home at about 5 pm. Usually when I get home, I spend time hugging the little ones and talking to my mom, which I did yesterday, too. My brother was working on networking our two computers (he has not succeeded so far, however...at least I don't think he has), so I was not able to get on-line then. After dinner, I had some of the boys straighten up the living room so I could vacuum it.

Then a squirrel jumped into a transformer, which went out (I don't really know the word to describe it) as it killed the squirrel. My dad wanted me to take a picture, but...I didn't. So we had a little family time--no computers or light to get in the way of that. My dad pulled out his guitar, and I ended up playing it for a while, too. But I finally got desperate enough to study by candlelight. I had not gotten very far, though, when the electricity came back on. That's when I started getting more serious about studying...and VERY sleepy. I went to bed at about 9 pm and waited to get up until TWELVE hours later. I'm hoping that will help me through tomorrow's very busy day. It is already helping my studying science today.

I think I was going to say something else, but I really do need to study.=)
songofjoy02: (Default)
I mean, my explanation of why I don't. I really wonder what my teacher will say. And I wonder even more about peer review/critique! LOL!

I finally finished my PP presentation...well, not finished...but it's good enough to storyboard. My mom really can't understand why I'm doing it backwards, but I just don't get pictures in my mind for stuff like that. It's really quite sad. I do have a problem because my brother fiddled with the sound on here and now it's not working. I need some sound elements, but there's no way to test them (the school's computers are not hooked up to speakers except by request, and I do not want to make any requests!).

Oh, I still need to read about cellular respiration. There are other things I should do, too...like study algebra. Having a current grade of 101% and feeling like I'm failing the course are kind of...um...I can't think of a good word, but it I know it sounds strange. Math and science are really hard for me. You know, though, I'm really beginning to think that part of my problem lately has been a nourishment issue--along with not getting quite enough sleep. When I've had enough rest and food, I can think so much more clearly...but there's so little time to do that (which is exactly why I'm typing this entry, right? Actually, I think it's because I'm not thrilled with my flirting paper, and I've got a very mild case of writer's block with it...)

Actually, you know what? Maybe I should just write about anti-flirting stuff on here, then all my paper-writing problems will be solved. Haha! I wish...the paper's too formal for a journal entry, though. Maybe that's the reason I dislike it. It's funny that it's an explanation paper, and I'm here explaining why I dislike it. Silliness! I need to get on with it. I wish I loved it.
songofjoy02: (Default)
I have to write an "explaining essay" (rough draft due Wednesday)...and the ideas my teacher gave us are to explain a concept, why I have chosen a particular path, or why I do (or do not) participate in a particular activity. Flirting immediately jumped to my mind...then dating and courtship. That really fits the description because she wants it to be something we've considered fully, something that has a new twist that makes the topic our own. So I'm trying to decide...but do you all have any ideas? I work tomorrow...but I guess I can be thinking about it while I'm working. And my history test will be over after tonight. LOL! I need to study for it NOW! I also need to study for my science test next week. But at this very moment, I need to be "storyboarding" for my ETEC PowerPoint project, which will be about taxonomy. Should be fun...I decided to work on the PowerPoint before storyboarding, even though that's kind of the reverse of how it should be. I thought it would be easier to rearrange things electronically than on paper, though.

So that's what is happening now...I should work on it. I would like to get good grades in all of my classes, but how to prioritize is just not very clear.
songofjoy02: (Default)
...that I could learn science through osmosis.=)

Red Face...

Oct. 3rd, 2003 09:54 pm
songofjoy02: (Default)
Or was it? I don't know. But my math teacher singled me out in front of EVERYONE as having gotten the highest grade in the class! She asked me if I was offended (which I did not answer...the opportunity passed before I could respond), and I wasn't, but I couldn't help thinking, "Thanks a lot! Now what's everyone going to think of me?" I mean, I am so far from being the most brilliant in the class that it's almost sad. Most of them "get it" a whole lot faster than I do--in fact, about a week ahead of me...which is their problem, By the time I get it, they have forgotten it. Most of the class seems to be failing...they are discussing having Ws on their transcripts instead of Ds or Fs. I would like for my transcript to be all As, but that may be a bit ambitious.

Ah, well. I got up late this morning, and I didn't have as much time to use makeup to cover up my fatigue--so I'm sure the whole world could tell that I'm tired. I skipped breakfast, which was a rather bad move since by the time I got to WalMart after the math class, I was having a hard time thinking at all. I went to work, and was basically all alone...but I found things to do. My mom called me there to let me know that the ladies ensemble would be rehearsing just after I got off work...and that the visitation at the funeral home would be at about the same time. I wore a denim skirt both places.=\

Now I need to do homework. My science teacher wants me (and all my classmates) to have notes Monday for a discussion on propaganda related to global warming, the ozone layer, etc. My first biology test (over eight chapters) will be on October 13th. My crtique paper is basically done, although I suppose I will keep editing and reprinting, which is really a little annoying. I should just put it in my folder and forget about it until Sunday night, and just do a final checkover then.

I need to storyboard a PowerPoint presentation for ETEC. And I need to study for my first history exam, which is on nine lectures. I think I mostly know the material (from taking LOTS of notes, typing them up, reading the text, writing more things down, etc.) But I would like to get as close to 100% as possible. I picked up a package of scantron sheets today. My history teacher wants to make it pretty easy on himself, I guess.;-) He won't do class at all Wednesday because he is taking exams himself from 8 to 3 that day.

Oh, and I need to work on my lab reports for science. Now, that really isn't all that much...but it's not like a have a lot of time to do it, so what am I doing here? Haha. I am procrastinating, as usual. I need to go.
songofjoy02: (Default)
My brother used my digital camera to take a picture through his microscope.

Update: I think it should work now...I put it in Yahoo Briefcase and checked to make sure it is public.
songofjoy02: (Default)
Is when you go home from your biology lab thinking that the only value was in that you didn't fall asleep...because you certainly didn't learn anything--nothing new, that is. Oh, but home schooling at its finest is when your fourteen-year-old brother sets up an entire lab and gets the microscopes focused and ready for you to view...cells.=) I will not bore you with what I saw (even though it did interest me), but I must say that this morning's lab was quite a disappointment. My lab partners (two girls) and I could not figure out how to use the microscope. For the first large things, one of the guys near us kindly assisted us...but on the small stuff, we asked our instructor to help us...and we basically did not see anything. When one of the girls asked if we would get points taken off for not seeing anything, our instructor said, "No, that's the lab." I was ready to laugh right then and there...chances are that I actually did. I really don't remember. I laugh so much throughout a day that it's impossible to keep track of all of them! Anyway, I wanted to conquer that lab...so my brother is helping me with that.

My ETEC teacher said that we're much more interactive than her Tuesday/Thursday class. She said that they won't talk to her! LOL! One of the guys (a clown, as he has come to prove himself in the last week...I hadn't even realized he had existed in the previous weeks) takes all the credit for how friendly the class is.;-)

You know, now that I'm thinking of it...I think I laughed in all of my classes today. In English, we "discussed" our critique papers (which are due next week...I should start working on mine)...covering the topic of logical fallacies. Many of the examples given and discussed were quite ridiculous, IMO, but I'm not the teacher...and what interests the students works, right? Sometimes I wonder if I'm learning anything in that class...most of my learning occurs outside the classroom, I suppose.

And history is funny as ever. My teacher there said that the tests this semester will be very "streamlined" because he's working on a doctoral something or other. I would say dissertation, but I think that is not what he said...I just don't remember what he DID say. Somehow, I thought it had something to do with exams...maybe it did. Hmm. Anyway, he said that we are supposed to have a writing component in our class, so he's willing to have us do extra credit movie reviews. Do any of you know where I might find out how to do a movie review for a history class? I'm going to look it up myself, but if you have any really good suggestions off the top of your head, I'm very interested.=)

I went to bed after one this morning, and arose before six. Something just isn't working. I felt like I was going to fall out of my chair in the lecture part of my biology class. I am very much looking forward to the tests! LOL! They are bound to be more fun than the lectures. Somehow, I doubt that they'll take up an entire class period, though. Oh, well. Anyway, all that to say that I'm very tired. And I need to go to work tomorrow--just a half day, though, since my brothers have a trumpet lesson in the afternoon.

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is swearing. Actually, I don't really know what people mean by that term...every time I read in Christian books (or classics) that someone uttered "an oath" or cursed, etc., I can't help wondering what was so bad that they wouldn't put it into print. Anyway, I was just thinking about this because, while the students at my school don't have particularly foul mouths (at least, I don't think they do), many of them do use rather common slang expressions that I think are unpleasant and often inappropriate. For the mildest of mild, a favorite word is "junk," and that is how one of the students in my math class casually referred to the teacher's notes--when he was talking to her (when he wasn't, his expression was less mild). Now, this is a very common word for younger people to use...and I am not suggesting that those who abuse it are in any way less moral than those who do not, but I consider it a rather neutral example of something that many young people are guilty of, but with more offensive terminology. I don't know where to go with that, though, so I'll leave it there and get on with what I was going to say...

Which is, what do you think swearing is? Lately, I've been realizing how much I do (intentionally or unintentionally) avoid saying certain words...but I have lots of substitutes. Instead of anything even approaching words like "dang" or "darn" (which I hate typing, even!)...or "shoot," I click my tongue, say something rather intelligent, talk to myself (usually moving my lips, thinking of plain terms that are not taboo, but still not quite respectful), or say words like "goodness." Now if someone casually uses a word that is on my taboo list, but his/her intention is no different than mine in what I do...in other words, what they say is just as casual for them as what I say is for me...then where is the real difference between us? I don't know...I've just been thinking about that.

Anyway...I've got a math test on Friday, so I should probably do my homework (which I haven't even looked at). Actually, I should probably go to bed soon. I need to see if my brother will do a specimen from the inside of my mouth...
songofjoy02: (Default)
Oh, and since a lot of students didn't get their essays copied last week, the rough draft of the summary won't be due until Wednesday. Meanwhile, the teacher gave us a bunch of guidelines to follow...some of which were already obvious to me, and others that were less obvious and much less attractive. However that may be, I have two days to "perfect" my "rough" draft (how's that supposed to work?). I have very little other homework to do, but I will need to spend a lot of time studying biology because I do NOT understand it. Before I can do that, though, I need to sleep. I can understand history fairly well when I'm tired, but science and math require a fresh brain.

Although I have some reading with me for school, I'm quite tempted to find a library book that will provide some relief since it's too hot to sleep in the car and it might look a little strange to nod off here in the library. Oh, if I would just get to bed on time...

What started happening in biology this morning was that I was kind of getting into that state between sleeping and being awake...and the spiritual analogies to scientific principles began to hit me. LOL! I'm trying to remember what it was we were covering...it had to do with proteins, I think (half asleep then and now, it's quite possible that I'm mixing it up with something else), and how their being the right shape was directly related to whether or not they could function properly WITHIN THE BODY. Our pastor just finished (last night) a study on spiritual gifts in the Body, and he talked about how the principle is "edification of the body." The whole deal of something needing to be in the right shape to function properly reminded me of how or being in fellowship with the Lord, walking closely with Him, influences our function in the Body of Christ.

Then when we took a quick break in science class, I was thinking of something in my heart that has disturbed me greatly...and I was reminded of what my pastor spoke on yesterday morning (from Psalm 73, I believe), talking about how (as a Puritan he quoted has said) it's not just what we do, but really where we look. Ah, yes...it had to do with Adam and Eve in the garden...LOOKING at the fruit. I was reminded that we don't just suddenly say, "Okay, I'll sin," but that we instead are gradually worn down, and that can be partly due to allowing ourselves to dwell on temptations, even if the temptations are things we would never do (or so we think). I had been repeating to myself, over and over, "But I would never do that!" Then it struck me that whether I would actually consider doing it or not, I was "looking" at it. Where should I be looking? At the needs around me, at God's grace to me, at how I can share Christ's love with others.

I don't remember which one of you (maybe Alissa?) posted a link to an article about Christian schools vs. secular schools, but I am beginning to think that I am best either here (for this kind of education) or at a Bible school--not at a "Christian college." God has already used my classes to challenge my thinking just in these last few weeks. As I wrestle with ideas (some more than others), I'm also more motivated to share with other believers--family members and church friends. Fellowship increases, which is another wonderful positive. God is good...=)

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songofjoy02

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